The Ten Most Ridiculous Lines From the Texas ‘Poopgate’ Papers


The Texas Department of Public Safety (DPS) released 144 pages of documentation Monday related to what’s been jokingly called “poopgate,” wherein law enforcement officials claimed that pro-choice citizens attempted to bring 18 jars of feces and one jar of urine into the Texas senate gallery this summer while lawmakers debated an omnibus anti-abortion bill.

The document is rich with fear of women’s bodies, frustrated indignation from DPS officials, and banal chronicling of “open source” intelligence gleaned from Twitter. But here, illustrated, are the ten best lines from the “poopgate” papers:

1. Per a “Summary of Open Source Activity” (i.e., an analyst reading Twitter) from the Texas Fusion Center, the Texas DPS’ Intelligence and Counterterrorism Division:

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Roger that, put out an APB for a suspected pepperoni pie, about 16″-18″ across, traveling in a late-2000s model cardboard box. Be advised it may be gluten-free.

2. DPS officer advises his fellow officers that troopers were able to avert what could have been an unthinkable horror: the hanging of a sign over the state capitol rotunda railing.

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“Looks like it won’t be a banner day for these women after all.” *Replaces sunglasses, pops collar.*

3. “Intelligence” gathered by DPS officers from a Rise Up Texas planning meeting at the state capitol: “They glued signs to sticks.”

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Signs on sticks: a threat to freedom, or the greatest threat to freedom?

4. Counterterrorism analyst Susan Fafrak highlights a tweet calling for drums in the rotunda.

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Drum circles: the not-so-silent killer.

5. Per the “Summary of Open Source Activity,” a viable “threat” against Rep. Scott Sanford:

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It’s possible that an embodied Prince of Darkness might block ingresses, so this may be a fair concern.

6. Counterterrorism analyst identifies possible weapons of mammary distraction.

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Nice to see that the counterterrorism unit is keeping abreast of the situation.

7. Per the “Summary of Open Source Activity,” a game of anti-choice telephone:

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And then Marla said that Merritt said that Jake said that Terrence said that Gwen said that Kris said that Laura said that Byron said that Vanessa said that Karen said that Calvin said that Susan said that Carrie said that it was totes true.

8. Per the “Summary of Open Source Activity,” an existential quandary:

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Who is ready to mine Twitter for vague exhortations of righteous indignation, and will they “report it to their supervisors?”

9. Per the “Summary of Open Source Activity,” a basic misunderstanding of the term “flash mob”:

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But look, it’s not like it’s the counterterrorism unit’s job to know much about mobs, right?

10. Texas Department of Public Safety Director Steven McCraw, bemoaning accusations that his department fabricated evidence to support a political agenda:

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But these 144 pages of DPS documents showing law enforcement officials taking at face value the second, third, fourth, and fifth-hand rumor-mongering of right-wing Republicans will really show those naysayers!

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  • jovan1984

    The real terrorists work for the Texas Department of Public Safety. It is time to break the Department up!

  • Kathy Kennemer Genet

    I liked the apparent “night vision goggle” view of protesters using maps.

  • Beatrix S.L

    Gluing signs to sticks?! What is this new horrifying phenomenon?

  • TattooedLittleMiss

    I…I…Oh fuck. This would be funny, but these people are responsible for people’s safety and freedoms and that just depresses and terrifies me.