• mrhsmrs

    Thank you for writing about a subject that most people wont touch let alone acknowledge.

     

    As women we are hard on ourselves. We don’t want to fail in a relationship so we adjust and try harder, tell our selves to be content in such things as we have for He will never leave nor forsake us and yet we don’t see at that time that God doesn’t expect us to be hurt in so many different ways…so often we are blamed for everything under the sun by the spouse who is abusive and we begin to believe the shit he spews from his mouth. The constant critism, blame, ridicule, verbal abuse and finally the physical…typically with the guy who is a “christian” to everyone else he appears to be the good guy but behind closed doors he is the farthest thing from being a nice guy or even a “christian”.

     

    It takes stregnth and bravery to get out and away. We sacrifice what we learn were weak friends, even our own children sometimes turn against us, the church turns against us…but in the end we have peace of mind and we learn to live each day well. * Believe it or not the Bishop of the church told me I should just hit him back.What an idiot!!!*

    We move on…we learn what real love and acceptance is…we forgive ourselves.

     

    Thank you again for speaking out.

     

     

  • lick10hour

    The question which the victim asks herself is no longer, “He is hurting me—what should I do?” – instead, it becomes, “He is hurting me, but God loves me and He knows what is best for my life – if I take matters into my own hands, am I really trusting the Lord?

    This is pretty much what my mother went through for 30 years with my father. She cried and cried and talked about leaving, but never would.

    I love her, and she is a strong capable women, but her childhood religious training convinced her that she is nothing without a man. She has been married twice (She is twice a widow. She would never divorce.) since my father died and each time she pretty much abandoned her personality to become a clone of her husband. Her current husband is a very nice man, and I have no reason to belive that he abuses her in any way, so at least there is that.

  • annieka

    Dear Vyckie,

    what a wonderful article.  That so needed to be said.  I work with a lot of abused women, who have strong religious beliefs.  (And I can see how – when life is as bad as it is for women in abusive and violent relationships – they do put their faith in God.  You’ve got to find something to hold on to, when your life is an absolute disaster.)  Quite often these women simultaneously entertain two quite different beliefs:

    1. God wants them to make the relationship work, or something along those lines.
    2. God doesn’t really want them to be in this relationship which is a travesty of the Christian view of marriage.  

    In a lot of cases, their church makes things a lot harder for them.  The church community appears to have a vested interest in keeping the relationship limping on.  

    In the end, that’s not so different to secular society.  Too many people don’t want to be destabilized by taking on board the truth that emotional abuse – and domestic violence – are going on in a nice, middle class home not a thousand feet from where they live.  Or they may just want to tell themselves that what’s going on in their own home is not all that bad… although it may well be.  

    And then there’s the fact that an abuser – especially an ostensibly God-fearing abuser – tends to be far more persuasive than a woman who’s been pushed to the edge of her sanity and her endurance.  

    A big part of emotional abuse is the “crazy-making” vacuum abusers routinely create around their victim.  Religion brings in another very powerful tool for undermining the abused woman’s sanity, and sense of self.  

    Anyone who has ever been through the hell of emotional abuse – as you and I have – knows that getting out and getting healthy require a huge amount of spiritual, as well as personal, growth.  Whereas staying in the relationship simply crushes the life out of you.  

    One final point: how, according to those irresponsible people who say abused women should stay put and pray, is growing up in a toxic environment with terrible role models meant to benefit children?

    Sometimes the profane gesture is a very healthy and appropriate response:-)

  • theclapp

    I’ll never understand why some people seem to think that saying “I do” is magic.  It’s not.  Getting married is not some weird assertion that everything after that was meant to be, and that you can never say “No I fucking don’t” ever again.

  • freetobe

     I married an emotionally abusive man who first was physically abusive but I had the strenthg in the beggining to tell him if he ever hit me again I was done. So he stopped the hitting and started the degrading. I had had self esteem issues growing up and had overcome them until I found my life sliding down the cliff again and then into a sort of dead zone. I was a zombie. One day something happened that I call miraculous. It was July 4 th ironically my ex and I were fighting again as usual but I had reached my breaking point months earlier and found myself praying to God to make some other woman take him away from me since I was brainwashed into thinking I could not divorce because it was a sin. Well lo and behold if God did not answer my prayer on that day July 4th INDEPENDENCE DAY!!!!!. My ex left me for another woman and I was so glad and so relieved I know this came from my prayers.

    All this garbage about women suffering  because God wants it,with abusers is hogwash and God I just proved it.

  • oak-cliff-townie

    Or has really seen abuse or the aftermath as it  happened in real time .

    My Dad was a BIBLE Based Abuser.

    And my Mom heard the same kind of Bull stuff the good  old Darcy is spouting from her church friends.

    And Church folk will invoke the lack of Prayer and Faith Clause  in such situations .

    I bet a weekend of my Dads Quotes taken from the pages of the Bible followed by his Abusive Antics and Behavior would wake her up to the real horrors  being committed in using the  Name of Jesus . And implying the will of God !

    Now what I wonder is how many other women of faith were hiding their own set of Bruises at Church on Sunday Morning ?

     

     

     

     

     

  • jamesseattle

     

    I lived for a time in a household where my Mother was pushed by our local religious community to marry a guy they HAD to know would turn out to be an abuser. 

     

    I remember for years hearing him screaming “where is my belt, and hearing my Mom and little brother crying while I hid in my bedroom with the door barricaded” 

     

    I used to think we were just all in trouble, it took years for me to realize he was just a piece of trash and we didn’t deserve to be treated that way. 

     

    Luckily for me it lasted for maybe a year before my Mom got fed up, left him and moved us far away. 

    All of this happened when I was four.

    30 years later I’m in a relationship with a woman who lived with similar abise until she was 12, TWELVE.

    He was always telling them they were disobeying the bible as he beat them, and god knows what else as she would sort of freeze up and not be able to tell me the whole story.

     

    Eventually, she left and said: “I just can’t allow myself to feel anything for you, the other shoe always drops, I can’t risk trusting anyone, I just can’t” 

     

    I attended a family event at a church with her once, she never went at all (and I don’t attend either) but it was a family thing. After about 30 minutes she basically grabbed my hand and sprinted out, it was pretty clear she was having an anxiety attack just being there. 

     

    Her siblings are all in some form of counseling, or seeking help via self-help groups (another word for religion really).

     

    It pains me to my core that another woman wrote something that basically asks these women to pray the abuse away, because, I wonder if she was abused and this is her way of dealing with it, or maybe there is some other kind of issue where she needs to believe in this naieve viewpoint. 

     

    I think people cling to religion as this sort of ideological superman that can solve all things, a way to give them strength against alll fears, insecurities, et al.  So they encourage people to pray things away instead of being proactive, because if people can do things on thier own, what does that say about them?

     

    They say god helps those that helps themselves, so the first thing these need to do is leave these bastards. It’s arguably the Christian thing to do, surround yourself with good people, don’t let bad ones hurt you. 

     

     

     

     

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