How Modesty Doctrines Made Me Hate My Body


by No Longer Quivering guest writer, “Sierra”

This isn’t a story about how modest clothes allowed me to “let myself go” and conceal a growing figure. It’s not even a story about how wearing modest clothes kept my self-esteem at rock bottom and thrust me into a too-close relationship with Ben & Jerry. It’s a story about how modesty doctrines impacted my mind, in ways that had real, negative effects on my body. Modesty was one of the reasons my defining relationship with my body became whether or not I was “fat.” Modesty was one of the engines that pushed me into a full-blown eating disorder. It’s not just a dress code: it’s a philosophy, and it’s one that destroys young women, mentally and physically.

Modesty taught me that my first priority needed to be making sure I wasn’t a “stumbling block” to men. Not being sexually attractive was the most important thing I had to consider when buying clothes, putting them on, maintaining my weight (can’t have things getting tight!), and moving around (can’t wiggle those hips, or let a little knee show). Modesty taught me that what I looked like was what mattered most of all. Not what I thought. Not how I felt. Not what I was capable of doing. Worrying about modesty, and being vigilant not to be sexy, made me even more obsessed with my looks than the women in short shorts and spray tans I was taught to hate.

Modesty taught me that I was always on display. There was no occasion in which it was acceptable to be immodest. Not the beach, not at the pool with friends, not in my own backyard (sunbathing was out because a neighbor might glance over and see me). This took my normal self-consciousness as a teenage girl and amped it up to an impossible degree. I once had a bee fly down my (acceptably loose) shirt and, in flailing around to get it out, had a family member comment that I’d just “flashed” my own grandfather. I was horrified for the rest of the week. That’s not normal. The normal order of priorities is getting dangerous animals out of your clothing first, and then worrying about making your own relatives perv on you second. Not so with the modesty doctrine. I should have let it sting me, apparently. Getting stung was the lesser risk.

Modesty was not just about dress. It was also about moving like a lady. Knees together, butt down, breasts in, arms down. It is impossible to get physically fit while adhering to ladylike movements only. You might be able to run, but only if you wear two sports bras to keep anything from jiggling inappropriately. You certainly can’t do anything with weights. In college, I had the chance to join a horseback riding team for a couple of semesters. I soon realized that staying on the horse required starting some kind of fitness regimen. In the gym, I found a couple of hip abductor/adductor machines that were handy for building the thigh strength necessary to grip the horse. The problem? I was so embarrassed that somebody might walk in front of me while I was on the machine with my legs spread that I started going to the gym the moment it opened in the morning and avoiding exercise when men were present. In this instance, modesty was literally keeping me weak. Eventually, I grew comfortable enough with my own body to exercise without worrying about other people happening to look at me. Now, I do an exercise routine that would have scandalized my old self: squats, deadlifts, and barbell rows. I have so much more energy and my mood is so much improved – plus, I can move my own furniture! But I couldn’t have got to this point without dumping the modesty doctrine. Because I couldn’t concentrate on hauling iron while worried that some perv behind me might happen to glance my way and pop his gym shorts. That’s not my job anymore. I’m not responsible for men’s souls, because I no longer think of myself as an object to be looked at and evaluated.

Backing up to before I got to college, modesty contributed to my eating disorder. How? Because I noticed that the best way to keep men from staring at my ass was not to have one. Ditto boobs. The skinnier I got, the less womanly I looked, and the more “modest” I felt, until I was 25lbs underweight. I was perpetually “fat” in my own mind – because in my own mind, the only acceptable body type was an androgynous one – one that could not possibly provoke a man to lust. I’m sure I don’t need to explain why that was a bad thing.

Modesty taught me that I was a decoration. Everything about my life was governed by whether or not a man was watching. How I moved and what I ate or wore all depended on the male gaze. Modesty taught me that nothing I did mattered more than avoiding sexual attention. Modesty made me objectify myself. I was so aware of my own potential desirability at all times that I lost all other ways of defining myself. I couldn’t work out or get fit without worrying about attracting men. I couldn’t relax my eating habits for a moment lest my shirts start to pull a little in the chest. I couldn’t grow like a normal human adolescent because staying slim and sexless was the biggest priority in my world.

When you argue that what’s modest and what isn’t is a valid concern for women, you tell them that their appearance matters most. You objectify them. You tell them that whether or not you are sexually aroused by their actions or their dress is more important than anything they want to do or wear. You tell them that they must, at all times, be thinking about you when they are making decisions about their own lives. That’s arrogant. That’s immoral.

When you argue that modesty is just a “debate” that must be won by those whose arguments are strongest in the abstract, you ignore the fact that the “debate” has consequences you don’t have to live with. Women have to live with the consequences of modesty debates. Those debates impact every sphere of their lives: work, play, even their own health and wellbeing. If you think that, as a man, you can somehow argue “objectively” about what women should or shouldn’t wear and “win” a debate fair and square, let me remind you of a few things. If a man “loses” a modesty debate, nothing about his life changes. If a man “wins” a modesty debate, nothing about his life changes. But if a woman loses a modesty debate, the entire fabric of her existence changes. If a woman loses a modesty debate, she has lost whole areas of freedom in her life. She now has more things to worry about not doing so that men will not get aroused. There is no such thing as an “objective” argument in which the stakes are astronomical for one side and nonexistent for the other. Furthermore, by even accepting modesty as a valid area of concern for women, you have accepted a premise that defines women by their looks and objectifies them. Women have already lost the moment a modesty debate begins.

Modesty made me “fat” because it defined my relationship with my body in terms of appearance. Not action. Not gratitude. Not the joy of movement. Just appearance. It also defined my relationship with men as one of predator and prey. It was my job to hide from men so that their sex drive would lie dormant, like a sleeping wolf. But if that wolf ever awakened, it was not because it had been sleeping for a long time and its circadian rhythm kicked in, or it was just naturally hungry. It was my fault because I had done something to “bait” the wolf. Just by being visibly female, or by moving in “unladylike” ways. You cannot consider women full human beings unless you recognize that their lives do not revolve around the male sex drive. Modesty is a philosophy that dehumanizes. It incites constant fear and vigilance in one sex while excusing the other of all responsibility. It’s immoral.

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Sierra is a PhD student living in the Midwest. She was raised in a “Message of the Hour” congregation that followed the ministry of William Branham. She left the Message in 2006 and is the author of the blog The Unspoken Words: A Non-Prophet Message.

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  • equalist

    Wonderfully well written, and while I’ve always been against the insistence on modesty based on the question of how one defines it (particularly considering the fact that what is modest to one is horribly slutty to another), I’d never actually sat down and thought about the objectification of women in relation to modestly.  We always hear how the women wearing short skirts, or low cut tops are objectified in today’s society a merely objects for men to enjoy viewing, but no one speaks of how claiming that the woman is in control of the man’s sex drive and is therefore responsible for ensuring that she does nothing to arouse him treats women as objects as well.  In reality both views assume all women’s bodies are simply pornography for men’s pleasure with no other purpose.  Her legs are for staring at, not for running or walking, and purpose of the long skirts of “modesty” is to render them nonexistent.  Her breasts are not created for feeding her children, but created only to arouse men’s desire, and a “modest” girl should always hide any trace of them, again to create the illusion that they don’t exist.  Breaking down each part of a woman’s body this way, when “modesty” insists that she must be covered and shapeless, as if her form itself doesn’t exist.  Her body isn’t allowed to exist, because if it exists, it is tempting to a man.  In reality this mindset is degrading to both women and men.  The degradation of women is obvious in this, but it’s degrading to men in that it treats them as simply animals with no control over themselves. 

  • joan2

    It’s funny how the concept of “modesty” is most harshly applied to adolescent girls and young women when they are at the height of their fertility. If a 40-something woman wears a low-cut blouse, there’s not the same shock and outrage as when an 18-year-old dresses similarly. It seems that because they are young, fertile and presumably virginal, our society saddles them with the burden of maintaining their own virtue and the virtue of all the men around them. It is a war no woman can win.

    Fortunately, once you reach your 30s and 40s, it’s like nobody cares anymore what you do and wear. It takes a lot of the pressure off. When I look back at how stressed I was all the time in my teens and 20′s, I regret how much time and energy I wasted both trying to maintain an image as a “good girl,” while still being attractive and trying to ward off any excess pounds. I should have spend those years really applying myself in school and the workplace instead of obsessing over my appearance. That’s two decades I’ll never get back again! Oh, well…

  • meadowgirl

    thank you for sharing this story. i never really considered “modesty” other than i found that women practicing it seemed sad about doing so. seeing someone inside of it & the reprecussions has educated me. just wow, wow. glad to know you’re getting out there and lovin’ life.

  • heathen57

    Well written and interesting article on a subject that should have been buried with dishonor long ago.  Something left over from a time that damaged all.

     

    It is my opinion that this concept is nothing more than a way to shift the blame onto a girl or woman when they have no self control.  “I’d like to have sex with her, and that is her fault for having a body type I like.”  I fail to see how a woman’s looks could affect a man so much that they can’t either control it or look away.

    In a perfect world (IMO) human adults could walk around naked and we could admire each other, not only for the beauty of the human form but have enough maturity to go beyond that into personalities.

  • starrsitter

    This.  So completely this.  Also, so much more eloquently than I have ever been able to explain to people.  Thank you.

     

  • teryn

    I disagree with this. I don’t disagree with the very real emotional damage you sustained from pressures. I acknowledge that to the fullest. 

     

    But I don’t think it’s fair to blame it on modesty. Being modest didn’t make you feel that way about yourself. Pressure from your family and surrounding social circles did. They put you into that frame of thought, and I am very glad you freed yourself from it! But it’s not the modesty itself. Being modest didn’t do this to you.

     

    Everyone has natural insecurities, and yours were exascerbated by your family. I think you channeled it into blaming the clothes you felt forced to wear and the mindset you WERE forced to hold. But don’t blame the modesty itself.

     

    I am modest by choice (no really, I am), and I have always felt blessed by it. I don’t judge others for the clothes they wear–it’s their body, so it’s their choice. And they are just clothes.

     

    And, really, what your very well written piece is saying, is that the mindset behind that particular modesty you endured it what damaged you. Look at it again, and you’ll see it’s true. It wasn’t the clothes. It was the pressure.

  • crowepps

    Modest clothing is that which does not reveal or emphasize the figure.  Baggy, concealing clothing in dull colors intended to make girls and women unattractive enough so that men don’t focus on them.  The ideal is for women to be self-effacing, and take care not to draw the eye,  wearing camouflage good enough so that men look right past them and don’t notice they exist.

    The whole PURPOSE of setting up modesty codes is to establish social signals that set to one side the compliant, obedient ‘good girls’ uninterested in sex and uninteresting to men, and highlight the rebellious, disobedient ‘bad girls’ who it’s safe to attack and punish for their lack of subservience.

    Modesty is about girls and women hiding the fact that they’re female as much as possible.  Modesty is about women and girls covering up their bodies so they look genderless.  Modesty is disguising oneself in hopes of passing unnoticed, and is mostly useful to rapists, who claim their victims weren’t plain and dumpy enough and aroused lust, and so should bear all the responsibility for the attacks against them.

    And yet it proves to be impossible to be modest enough.  In Saudi Arabia, modesty demands women completely disappear.

    Saudi women may be forced to cover up ‘tempting’ eyes

    Saudi women with sexy or “tempting” eyes may be forced to cover them up, according to a spokesperson for the Committee for the Promotion of Virtue and the Prevention of Vice, the news site Bikyamasr reports.

    Bikyamasr quotes a spokesman of the Ha’eal district, Sheikh Motlab al-Nabet, as saying the group has the right to order women whose eyes seem “tempting” to shield them immediately.

    http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2011/11/Saudi-women-may-be-forced-to-cover-up-sexy-eyes–567404/1