Attention Ladies: John Boehner Wants to be Your Pimp


After years of wandering in the desert, trying to figure out why Republicans are and have been so hell-bent on controlling our bodies (I mean, c’mon… we know it has nothing to do with “life” or “values” of the kind they profess so loudly to hold dear and then flout on a daily basis), it suddenly dawned on me.

The whole Lila Rose thing? It’s so fake, it is now clear it was just a diversion.

John Boehner and the House GOP want to be your pimp. 

Think about it.

Like the “Hollywood Madam,” the “D.C. Madam,” and the Manhattan Madam, Boehner is in charge of “the house.”  He makes the rules.  And his worker bees have been quite busy lately codifying those rules, because, like any pimp, he and his GOP colleagues want to control you according to the rules they set.  Forever.

They’ll tell you when you can have sex and with whom.

They’ll tell you whether or not you can use protection and what kind.  They’ll let you know when you get pregnant whether or not you’ll stay that way. They’ll limit your access to care and treatment.  If you get HIV or contract some other sexually transmitted infection well, hey babe, its your fault.

They’ll tell you whether or not “rape” is rape, and they’ll let you know when you deserve to get smacked around because you’ve stepped out of line.

They’ll decide whether or not you get healthcare and under what circumstances. They will control your access to people “outside” the House brothel so you remain intimidated, fearful and isolated.  They’ll constantly mislead you with propaganda along the lines of “I’m your daddy,” and “without me babe, you are dead.”  They’ll destroy your self-esteem as a means of controlling you.  Then they’ll come to you for “companionship,” complain about how their wives don’t understand them, and tearfully plead for forgiveness to their public when they are caught.

To keep you off balance, they’ll make sure you know they own you. They’ll control the information to which you have access, by for example, cutting funding for health services and violence shelters, and forcing you to go to “crisis pregnancy centers” where the greatest crisis is the degree of misinformation and lying spooned out during every visit whether or not it endangers your health or well-being. But pimps don’t want you educated, and they don’t want you in contact with the real world.  If you had access to help, you might actually take control and leave. In fact, a South Dakota bill now under consideration would force women considering abortion to go to crisis pregnancy centers and the GOP has been ensuring federal funds flow to CPCs for years, enabling them to masquerade as “health clinics” when there are no qualified health personnel within a mile of the front door.  Under the control of your pimp, you are not free to seek services without his say so. Meanwhile the GOP’s budget slashes all those services you might need, and then some.

They’ll control your access to law enforcement and pay them off anyway, so that if you, for example, seek help for an unwanted pregnancy due to a rape by your pimp, the police will arrest you for getting pregnant in the first place and trying to take control of your situation. If someone tries to help you, say a medical doctor, they’ll quietly signal to their enforcers that it is ok to “take them out.”  And they’ll send you to religious advisers for compassion, who, in on the take, will remind you just how little value you have.

They’ll take your money, taxing your body (H.R 3), denying you any means of independence, unable to control your sexual or reproductive or physical health. 

And they’ll pay it forward, by giving tax breaks and subsidies and other perks to those corporate guys at the head of the pimping food chain who keep them in business.

It all makes sense to me now.

I don’t know what took me so long.

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Follow Jodi Jacobson on twitter: @jljacobson

  • equalist

    Love this article!

  • julie-watkins

    To keep you off balance, they’ll make sure you know they own you.

    Yes. Do what you’re told & don’t complaint. Pffft on that.

  • ditzy0114

    This article is brillant! It’s such a simple concept and yet it fits the current climate like a glove