With Hilarious New PSA, Austin Abstinence Organization Finally Gets In On the Joke

Cross-posted from How to Have Sex in Texas

You heard it here first, folks: our own Austin LifeGuard, the educational arm of Austin LifeCare Crisis Pregnancy Center has decided to spend some of its federal abstinence money making public service videos. The PSA above promises that wearing pants is “the only 100% guarantee to avoid the unwanted side effects of sex.” They even come in a variety of shapes and sizes! I’m glad you finally get the joke, Austin LifeGuard.

Not satisfied with infomercials, Austin LifeGuard has created a website, IHeartPants.org, and is selling I Heart Pants t-shirts for just $12. They promise that pants will provide a variety of benefits, including a “revolutionary way to prevent: regret, jealousy, heartache, ended friendships, ruined reputations, and more!” Plus they can make your ass look great!

According to the SIECUS state profile for Texas, Austin LifeGuard/LifeCare will receive $582,900 in Community Based Abstinence Education (CBAE) funds for FYs 2008-2013. CBAE money goes directly from the federal government to “community based” (read: religious) organizations for abstinence programs that the state has no control or veto power over. Austin LifeGuard/LifeCare also received $70,245 as a Title V subgrant, funds to provide education in public schools. But what of the news that Austin Independent School District (AISD) will be piloting PREP funded-programs in partnership with Planned Parenthood?

With less business, perhaps LifeGuard decided to spend its funds on media campaigns, which are allowed under the grants. I can only imagine these videos are in response to the Texas Freedom Network’s satirical videos which took their scripts verbatim from Pam Stenzel and other abstinence educators’ presentations (see below).

The perfect Christmas gift for that irritatingly chaste member of your family could be the “I Heart Pants” t-shirt and the Original Handjob. While I doubt Austin LifeGuard would describe handjobs as safe, even the abstinence kids deserve some sexual gratification and, besides, if it’s just your hand, you can’t get pregnant!

In total, the PSAs have only garnered 1,965 views. Make sure to check out their other video about an awkward dad bragging that his son has genital herpes and the heartbreak that is fake social networking. While I appreciate this cheeky and novel approach, these ads are being paid for with federal tax dollars. And you know what’s really hard if you never take off your pants? TEABAGGING.

Think this sounds ridiculous? Check out the original.

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  • beenthere72

    I had to share both the I heart pants and handjob videos.  Very funny.   But yeah, federal funding for religious based organizations pushing for abstinence only programs:  not so funny.

  • stevebartoli

    What a laugh!  Is this tongue-in-cheek reverse psychology?  On a serious note, WHO IS the person passing funding for this sort of program?  What planet do they come from?  amazing…

  • julia-fedor

    Can’t believe tax dollars funded this drivel.

  • ack

    Homer had it right with his timeless declaration:

    Dontcha hate pants?