• pilar608

    There’s also this:  depending on what views of sex you were raised with, and what your religion teaches about sex, when you get married it can be really, really hard to flip that switch from “sex is wrong and dirty!” to “sex is awesome!”  Even if your church isn’t a fire-and-brimstone place, there are a lot of cultural messages and religious messages that say that women who have sex are bad or dirty.  There aren’t all that many messages, cultural or religious, that say that women who enjoy sex are normal and happy.

     

    If this is the case for you, I’d go with Heather’s advice and see a counselor, both by yourself and with your husband.  It’s amazing how years of investment (conscious or not) in the ideas of sexual purity can really do a number on your ability to enjoy sex and your own sexuality.

  • prochoiceferret

    Clerk: Welcome to the Social Conservative Shoppe! How may I help you?

     

    vB: Hi. I’d like to return this Wait-Until-Marriage(tm) for a refund.

     

    Clerk: Oh my! Why do you want to return it?

     

    vB: I was promised that it would lead to incredibly hot marital sex. Instead, I can now barely stand to be touched by my husband, and a nice lady on the Internet told me that we might need to go in for couples sex counseling.

     

    Clerk: Well, have you given it enough time to work its matrimonial magic?

     

    vB: I’m 26! We should be beasting-with-two-backs like horny river otters!

     

    Clerk: Perhaps it’s just God’s way of saying that you don’t deserve orgasms.

     

    vB: Bollocks! This thing is defective. I knew I should have gone with a High-School-Hottie(tm) or Varsity-Vajayjay(tm) from the Mainstream Mores Mart up the street. I’d like that refund, please.

     

    Clerk: Okay, first I’ll need to get some information. Did you engage in any sort of sexually-stimulating activity prior to marriage?

     

    vB: Yes, my now-husband would rub my nipple and clit areas, and I would get really aroused. We didn’t have sex, however.

     

    Clerk: Oh, I’m so sorry, ma’am. The W-U-M is only guaranteed to work if you avoid any sort of sexual stimulation whatsoever before marriage. And refrain from using artificial contraception. And attend church every week. And wear long-sleeved, loose-fitting clothing with no neckline. And don’t attend any institution of higher learning, except for maybe BYU.

     

    vB: Why didn’t you tell me any of this when I bought this thing??

     

    Clerk: Hey, it’s not like sex is that big a deal. I personally prefer reading the Bible with my spouse. It’s, quite frankly… more exciting.

     

    vB: You have a W-U-M too?

     

    Clerk: Naturally. I don’t just work here—I’m another satisfied customer! *thumbs up*

  • qob

    related to what pilar608 said… is it possible that the OP is associating sexual activity before marriage with what’s forbidden, naughty, etc., and that it’s that sexual frisson that she’s missing about married sex – now it’s allowed. Something being forbidden or taboo is a common turn-on, and getting that atmosphere in other ways (subtle touching in public, maybe, or talking ‘dirty’,etc.) might be something worth trying. 

  • beenthere72

    Too funny!

  • juliejulie

    Of course first Heather is completely correct, it is totally okay and normal for you to be feeling this way, and you should honor your feelings and take care of you.

     

    I’d just like to point out that there is something else you didn’t talk about, and that is emotional foreplay. Often for humans getting the head and heart engaged beforehand is more important than any physical activities.  Partners who talk about what they like about eachother, who feel loved and wanted emotionally, are often able to move through these hurdles successfully.  My partner says if you want to make love to a woman, you have to start with her brain…the brain is the key to the body!

    Best of luck to you.

  • radicalhousewife

    Write this into a full screenplay, please.  Or tell Diablo Cody to do it.

  • forced-birth-rape

    ~juliejulie, that is soooooooo sweet.~
    “My partner says if you want to make love to a woman, you have to start with her brain…the brain is the key to the body!”

  • equalist

    I COMPLETELY agree with this.  Some of the best sex my fiance and I have is generally after (or sometimes during!) just sitting and talking about what we enjoy about each other and what turns us on about each other. 

    Another thing she could try with her husband is just sit and talk about what each of them wants out of sex.  Fantasies are a GREAT pre sex conversation too.  The biggest thing is to talk about it.  If there’s something that turns you on or something that you need or want, he’s not going to know about it if you don’t tell him about it. 

    Something else to look at is that she mentioned a lot of concern over his sexual needs, and that he tries to do things with her, but she put it in the context of him trying to get her aroused for intercourse, and I just got the feeling that he’s doing it as a means to get his own needs met without really focusing on hers exactly.  I know in my case, there’s times when either I’m tired, or my fiance is, and we’re not really in the mood for intercourse, but we’ll do other things for each other without really expecting anything in return to give the other a nice opportunity to relax and enjoy without any expectations.  Kind of like letting your partner sleep in a bit when you know they’re tired or had a long day the day before. 

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