• equalist

    Needing to monitor every minute of someone’s day and feeling that you can’t trust them because they’re talking about someone of the same gender that they’re attracted to has nothing to do with trust, and if it continues can be downright abusive.  If something has happened before to break previous trust, and make you overly cautious, trust can be rebuilt, but if it comes down to being unable to trust the other person at all, and feeling the need to monitor their every interaction with the outside world, that becomes controling and beyond just broken trust.  If she hasn’t done anything in the past to cause you to doubt her, that’s just plain control and has nothing to do with love or trust.  It might be harsh of me to say, but if you feel like you have to monitor every interraction, and the simple mention of another guy in passing causes you that much discomfort, then if she hasn’t done anything in the past to cause this reaction, either you need to back out of the relationship, or she needs to run like hell. 

  • crowepps

    I cannot count the abusive men I’ve listened to who insist that because THEY don’t trust, then it is the DUTY of the women with whom they’re involved to stay home and not have any outside contact with the world so they will feel secure.


    I’m sorry, but men who are this unsure of their own value and this suspicious of women’s honor never, ever can be reassured enough. A woman who does stay home, never leaves the house without him, is BLIND and never SEES any other guys is accused of secretly THINKING about other guys.


    This really has nothing at all to do with her behavior, men who think like this need to get a counselor and work on their own issues of insecurity, low self-esteem and misogyny.

  • n4rky

    I would suggest a far simpler answer: Jeff, you can trust her the same way she can trust you.

  • pilar608

    Honestly, there is no way in any relationship–whether you live in the same city or not, whether you live together or not, whether you are married or not–to ever be 100% sure that your partner isn’t cheating on you.  It just isn’t possible.  At some point, I’d wager that most people in a relationship wonder if their partner is being faithful.  The thing is, though, if your partner hasn’t given you a reason to suspect cheating, then you have to realize that it’s *your* problem and let it go.


    Heather pretty much covered this, but I’d like to reiterate this.  Most people in a relationship are going to find people other than their partner attractive.  They’ll still get that fluttery feeling when that hottie at the coffee shop smiles at them.  They’ll still get that little boost when someone they find attractive flirts with them.  It’s just human nature.  What really matters is what they (and you) do in those situations.  What matters just as much is that you trust them (and they trust you) to not cross the line.


    It’s a cheesy quote from a cheesy movie, but it’s still true:  “Without trust, there can be no love.”  

  • anonymous99

    Agree.  His girlfriend needs to move on.


    Can we agree that this is not a gender issue though?  

  • crowepps

    Irrational jealousy rooted in low self-esteem occurs in girls/women as well, and they too do the checking up and stalking and throw the same tantrums and insist the other person is responsible to “make them” feel trust.  Good counseling is very helpful!

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