Let’s push a watermelon through your anus. Now that’s a good chap.


http://www.salon.com/mwt/broadsheet/feature/2009/07/14/epidural_epidemic Salon Broadsheet staff is covering the outrageous (one could say "dotty" or "fucking irresponsible") comments of Midwife Denis Walsh. It seems that he thinks that Great Britain’s epidural rate of 36.5 percent is too high (rates are higher in the U.S.).

The reason? Guess. Yep. Once again, women are too stupid to know what to do with their own bodies.

A large number of women want to avoid pain. Some just don’t fancy the pain [of childbirth]. More women should be prepared to withstand pain," he told the Observer. "Pain in labour is a purposeful, useful thing, which has quite a number of benefits, such as preparing a mother for the responsibility of nurturing a newborn baby

I know there are plenty of women who had blissful, orgasmic labors out there. A few little pushes, and voila! out popped your little darlings. Me? My first child was 30 hours of labor (26 w/o pain medication.) My second? I had to be started on Pitocin because my membranes ruptured 24 hours before. I was put on Pitocin and given no pain medication, so I immediately went into transitional labor and stayed that way for nine hours before the doctor decided I had been a good enough girl to get to six centimetres and get some help.

You know, if it’s not one goddamned thing, it’s another. You want to tell us to breastfeed or not to breastfeed. To get pregnant or not get pregnant. To abort or not abort. To deliver without drugs or with drugs. To have Caesarians or not have them. To co-sleep or not co-sleep. To drink coffee during pregnancy or not drink coffee during pregnancy. To work or not work while we’re raising kids. To marry our babies’ daddies or not marry them. To exercise while we’re pregnant or take it easy. To eat this or don’t eat that while we’re carrying fetuses. And you know what?

 I am sick to fucking death of anyone telling another woman what is or is not right for her when it comes to her body. Okay???

Just as those who think waterboarding does not constitute torture, those who argue that the pain of childbirth is not real pain should be prepared to put up or shut up.

So. Midwife Walsh "http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2009/jul/12/pregnancy-pain-natural-birth-yoga"since you’re so eager for women to have this rite of passage, let’s make the same deal we have done with those who claim waterboarding is not torture.

Let’s surgically implant a watermelon in your colon, and then, without an epidural, let’s watch you squeeze that out.

How’s that for ennobling pain?

Pain is NOT ennobling. Pain is pain. It robs us of something precious; it robs of being able to be present. I was more present with an epidural when I finally got them, then when I was in agony as I endured contractions that came on top of one another.

So, Dr. Walsh?

One thing you should know.

You need to stay out of my way, because if I ever run into you, I’m going to grab you by the nads and squeeze until your face turns purple.

Then we can dub you good Sir David Walsh, you wanker, you. 

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  • invalid-0

    I’m reminded of a comment on a Dear Ann-style column I once saw.

    Q: Is it true that what I feel during labour isn’t pain, just pressure?
    A: Yes, in the same way that a hurricane is a bit of wind.