Get Real! Where Has My Sex Drive Driven Off To?

wanderingxaimless asks:

an 18 year old girl with almost no sexual experience. This weekend I
fooled around with my boyfriend for the first time ever and realized
something–I was getting wet, but not horny. I also realized I hadn’t
been horny at all in the past few months. Is something wrong with me?
How do I get my sex drive back?

Heather replies:

Libido — the desire for sex of any given kind — is a very complex thing, much like sex and sexuality are complex.

It’s emotional, it’s intellectual, it’s chemical and physiological,
it’s both personal and interpersonal, it’s spiritual, it’s
metaphysical, it’s historical, it’s aspirational. Our sexuality and
libido isn’t something that exists somehow separate from all of the
rest of our lives and who we are: there are connections to it in every
aspect of ourselves and how we live our lives.

That given, there’s rarely one simple, pat answer for a person who
is finding they are not feeling sexual desire, or feeling it at levels
they’d like to, especially without having a whole lot of background on
that person. For instance, were we having a conversation about this,
I’d ask you, in no particular order, things like:

  • How is your general health right now? How is your sexual health?
  • Are you at least moderately active? Do you also get enough rest?
  • Do you have a lot of stress? How do you manage your stress?
  • How do you feel, overall, about your sexuality? What ideas about sexuality did you grow up with?
  • What has your sexual history been like in terms of masturbation? How
    often is sex for you with a partner and how often is it solo?
  • What have your experiences with sex been like with your partner(s)?
    Have they been satisfying, and if so, how satisfying physically,
    emotionally, spiritually? If not, why do you feel they haven’t been, or
    what areas of your sexuality do you feel haven’t been satisfying? How
    well do you two communicate about sex?
  • Do you feel confident and safe with sex, or do you feel unsafe, or
    maybe like you’re a bit lost and need more information or background?
  • How are you defining and experiencing sex? How often is sex for you
    intercourse, and how often is it any number of other things, such as
    oral sex, manual sex, massage, making out, et cetera? Is your
    definition in decent alignment with the way your partner defines and
    experiences sex?
  • What’s your body image and self-image like? What’s your overall
    identity and self-esteem like? How is the rest of your life going,
    outside of sex and your sexual relationship?
  • What times of your fertility cycle are you finding you have higher or lower desire?
  • How is your relationship right now, in general and when it comes to all of the dynamics with sex?
  • Do you feel like your current sexual relationship is in alignment
    with your sexual orientation, your gender identity and your overall
    sexual identity?
  • Do you feel supported — by your partner, by friends, family,
    community — in being a sexual person, and as the unique sexual person
    you are?
  • How is your partner handling your libido being lower (than you’d
    like, then his is, whatever the sitch is)? How do you feel about it
    emotionally yourself?
  • What worries do you have about libido, sex or sexual partnership?
    What worries does your partner have? Have you two communicated those
    and talked them through?
  • If the sex you are having carries pregnancy risks you don’t want to
    take, are you using methods of birth control you feel comfortable with?
    How about safer sex: are you comfortable managing that and with how
    your partner is (or isn’t) cooperating? If you are taking risks of
    pregnancy, to try and get pregnant or not, how do you feel about those
  • What does feeling horny mean to you and feel like for you? How do you identify those feelings?
  • Is partnered sex — of whatever kind — something that you want right
    now, something you feel ready for, something that feels right?
  • Are you taking any medications for anything which may have sexual
    side-effects, such as antidepressants or birth control pills?
  • Do you feel like there is a "right" level of libido?
  • What do you find really gives you pleasure in life, and how do or
    don’t you incorporate those things into your sexuality and sex life?


I’d ask all of those questions because the information we’d need
could be in any one of them, and is probably in more than just one of
them. Like I said: it’s complex stuff.

Before I say anything else, know this: there is nothing abnormal
about libido being inconsistent, and sometimes being or feeling
nonexistent. Our desire for sex does not tend to be something that is
the same every day, or in every given sexual scenario. Some days it can
be very high-key, other times very low-key, other times somewhere in
the middle. That variance is normal, and is based on a huge array of
aspects of our bodies, minds, hearts and lives.

As well, if you are just stepping into partnersex, or your sex life
full-stop (including the one you have all by yourself), then you’re
just starting to cultivate an awareness of these things and start
observing them. It sounds to me like you do have a sense of what it
means for you, personally, to feel desire (to be "horny"), if you’re
noticing not feeling things despite wetness (which may or may not be
about you being aroused: at certain times of our fertility cycles,
women are more wet). But as time goes on, your sense of that is going
to improve, have more information from time and experience to bring to
your evaluations, so it might be a bit hasty to get too hung up on this
right now. Too, if this is all new, you probably feel nervous or
anxious about it, so we’d expect that to have an impact on your
feelings of desire.

However, looking at questions like those I have asked is valuable
regardless, because questions like that can give us a lot of
information about our sexuality that can help us to have better sex,
and a sex life in the best alignment with us as individuals. Some of
those questions also may show you why your desire seems to feel lower
than usual.

Maybe you’ve been stressed out, frustrated or worried about this, or
nervous about your sexuality or starting a sex life: stress is a big
culprit in libido changes or lulls. Maybe you need the sexual dynamics
you have with your partner to be different, or to be having different
kinds of sex. Maybe you need to be sure the sex life you have isn’t
just with your partner and make more time for masturbation. Maybe you
need to explore what your own desires even are, work on body image or
self-image, switch a medication out, eat more, get more rest, fix a
problem spot in your relationship, get more exercise, step away from
sex for a while so you can work on the rest of your life. There are a
myriad of possibilities, and likely not one easy answer or one magic

And that’s okay. Again, it is okay for us to have times when we
don’t feel a lot of desire: we don’t have to have sex all the time, nor
any more often than we feel the desire to. We also don’t have to feel
sexual all the time in order to be whole, healthy people: our sexuality
is just one part, of many, of who we are. Through your life, like most
people do, you’ll likely find that your sexual desire waxes and wanes,
and that there are times when your sex life is a bigger part of your
life than it is at others.

For now, look at those questions, give them some thought, maybe talk
with your partner about some of them. I’m also going to leave you some
links to look at which might give you some more information to evaluate
this with. But while you’re doing all of that, see if you can’t let go
of a lot of worry about lower desire right now. I doubt there’s
anything wrong with you at all, nor anything you need to get your
knickers in a twist about. Plus, relaxing about all of this very well
may do the trick, all by itself.

Here are those links for you:

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  • invalid-0

    Man thats crazy – didn’t know there was that much behind getting sexually heightened for girls. I am a guy and it just kind of happens whether I want it to or not haha.

  • heather-corinna

    This really isn’t about gender.  Sexual desire and libido for men is not usually any less complex, you just may not think about it that way or realize that all of those kinds of factors are also at play for you.


    (Also?  Erection isn’t desire, in case you’re coming in presuming that.  And even if desire is something that feels automatic for you, and like it’s simplistic and not holistic, it may not feel that way for you through the whole of your life or in every relationship.)

  • invalid-0

    The list of questions was long, so I might have missed it, but I didn’t notice any question about medications the person is on. A lot of medications kill sexual desire or sexual response. Some make orgasm next to impossible. Some make the experience of orgasm uncomfortable or nonexistent. Most of these medications are SSRI antidepressants, so the first question I would ask is whether the person is taking one of these medications–paxil, zoloft, effexor, or a generic version of them.

    Second, if a woman finds herself unstimulated by a blatantly sexual situation and she is relatively inexperienced, she may not have made the connection between the two (not on a conscious level, but on an unconscious level). The whole experience of sexual activity leading to satiety becomes a sort of classical conditioning in which the foreplay eventually (probably fairly quickly) becomes connected with the experience of pleasure that comes afterward. Until that connection is made, the behaviors and experiences leading up to sex are rote and may be devoid of the anticipation they take on later.

    Just a couple of thoughts. Eighteen year olds aside, I’ll bet most of the loss of libido among the majority of Western women (and men, too) can be directly traced to the overprescription of SSRIs and related meds. If you once enjoyed sex and you don’t enjoy it now and you’re taking antidepressants for whatever reason (and the list of things antidepressants are indicated for reads like the list of things “cured” by medical marijuana), there is probably a link between the two. If you’re 18 and you’re not on antidepressants and you’re not feeling excitement about sex, tell your partner he isn’t trying hard enough. He’ll believe it and you’ll probably appreciate his more energetic efforts later on.

  • invalid-0

    I’m 48 years old and sometimes it takes me a hour to cum, is there a problem or what?

  • invalid-0

    Incredibly explicit answer! As for me, I personally believe that sexuality grows up with age and is coupled with sexperience and sexploration. So, dear young lady, don’t worry too much about it. Live a full life!

  • invalid-0

    Experts of the British charitable organisation Relate which are engaged in sexual therapy and psychological consultations, say, that observe 40% increase in number of the men, searching the help because of loss of interest to employment by love with the wives and partners.