Get Real! I Don’t Feel Ready for Sex – Should I?


Anonymous asks:

I
feel like at my age (16), it is so young to have sex. If I were to be
dating someone right now, so many things would scare me, that I would
choose not to have sex. The chance of an STI, pregnancy, not being good
enough for my partner, having my parents find out, and so many more
things. I’m scared that during sex, that I wont know what to do and I’m
just not comfortable with my body. Most of my friends are having sex
and they say they like it, but the fact is, that I’m terrified.
Everything about sex scares me. I’m worried about my body, what my
partner will tell his friends, the rumors that will get around school,
being inexperienced, and I’m scared it will hurt for the first time. I
don’t want to be seen as up tight for not wanting to have sex, and I
know I don’t mind having sex before marriage, but I was just wondering
about moving past my fears and letting go. So, if you have any ideas, I
would love to hear back from you.

Heather replies:

For some people, in some situations, sixteen is young to have sex. For some, it is too young. For others, it doesn’t feel that way to them or isn’t that way.

Age-in-years, all by itself, doesn’t tend to be a good marker of
when someone is or is not ready for sex, or when sex will or will not
be positive or negative for someone.

You bring up a whole lot of facets of sexuality which absolutely are
heavy things to risk or shoulder, and which not everyone wants or is
ready for all of the time, whether they’re 16 or 36. Readiness for
sexual partnership tends to be something a lot of people (especially
younger people) think about as something that happens just once: once
we’re ready the first time, we’re ready ever-after. But that isn’t
accurate or realistic. Any time that we’re going to enter into any kind
of sexual partnership we’re going to determine our readiness at that
time, and we won’t always be ready to — or want to — manage all we
need to with sex, even if we have been ready and willing at other
times. And whether or not we want to be sexually active and are ready
to be is just far more complex than how old we are or what bad things
can happen. Sometimes the possible benefits of sex are going to outweigh the risks: other times the risks may be greater than what benefits sex may offer us.

While I don’t think you need to feel like it’s not okay for you to
feel now isn’t the right for you to have sex, nor do I think you not
wanting to be sexually active now (or at any time) means you are
uptight — I’ll say more on this in a bit — I also see no need for you
to feel so afraid. Ideally, I feel the best choices anyone makes around
sex aren’t going to be based in fear. Whether we’re talking about sex
or about where we choose to live, how we choose to love, what job we
choose to take, we know that when people make choices out of fear, they
don’t usually tend to be the best choices.

Let’s start by addressing some of the things you’re afraid of so
that whatever choices you make are choices made from a place of
knowledge, comfort and confidence instead.

The risks of sexually transmitted infections and pregnancy from
partnered sexual activity are absolutely a very big deal. Sometimes we
are just not going to want to take any of those risks at all. Other
times, we might feel comfortable taking those risks, especially when we
do things to minimize them, and when the positives sex has or may have
to offer us make the risks worth it. I hope you know that at whatever
point you do feel you want to be sexually active, you do have sound
ways to manage those risks. With pregnancy, you can choose, if you
like, only to engage in sexual activities which don’t pose a risk of pregnancy at all, or, if you want to do things like intercourse with a male partner, you can elect to minimize that risk by using reliable methods of birth control.
Some methods, when used perfectly or in combination with one another,
are over 99% effective, which is a lot of protection and makes that
risk exceptionally small.

 

When it comes to sexually transmitted infections, again, you always
have the option of avoiding sex which poses those risks — namely, that
would be about not having oral, vaginal or anal sex. Or, you and a
partner can choose to protect yourself with sound safer sex practices.
When couples follow safer sex practices to the letter, the risk of most
STIs is very small: why STIs are so widespread is primarily because so
many people don’t use those practices, use them consistently, or use
all of them, rather than only some. For instance, someone may use
condoms, but not for all activity, or ditch them too early in a
relationship. Someone may get tested, but not use condoms, and not
require partners to be tested. Age can influence both contraception and
safer sex practice when it comes to what access a person has to them:
for some younger people, access to sexual health services and birth
control is something limited by their age, or the resources they do or
don’t have available at their age. For others age isn’t a barrier.

 

You voice some fears about potential partners. Sexual partnership
differs a lot depending on who we are, who we’re with, and where we are
at with ourselves at a given time. For instance, a fear of not being
good enough for a partner, or worries about a partner telling others
private things about us may be a huge fear or one that’s totally
nonexistent depending on our own esteem at a given time as well as what
things are like with the partner at hand. You’re right in that concern:
some potential sexual partners can’t be trusted to keep private things
private, and also may not be people with whom you feel comfortable in
your body or comfortable being sexual with. As with contraception and
sexual health, some of that can be about age, because age does
tend to have something to do with our maturity. Not every potential
partner is going to have the maturity needed for a healthy sexual
relationship you feel safe in, and not every peer group is going to
have the maturity to deal well with members of that group being
sexually active. In both of those things, it can be more likely to be
an issue with younger people than older ones, but not always. There are
plenty of 40-year-olds out there, alas, who still don’t have that
maturity. But some partners and peer groups do, be it at 17 or 47, and
you’re only going to get a sense of who does and does not by getting to
know them over time and through talking about, and making agreements
around, these issues with them.

Know that sex doesn’t tend to be something a given person is or
isn’t good at, in part because sex isn’t something we do the same way
with every partner, on every day, and during every time in our lives.
We learn how to be "good" at sex through time we spend with our own
sexuality, in our own bodies, and with a given partner. Over time, the
sex we have will tend to have a lot of uniqueness based on all of that.
We learn what to do by experimenting with each other and communicating
with each other. And a whole lot of what makes a good partner aren’t
the kinds of things you might think. Being good at sex isn’t about
being able to do this thing or that with your tongue or being a
contortionist. Good, open communication and listening skills,
creativity and imagination, the sheer desire to really connect sexually
and a willingness to make an arse of oneself often tend to be what
we’ll tend to find in our lives our best lovers have had.

 

Too, something one partner loves may leave another flat, and
something that feels great to you at one time or with one partner may
feel totally different with someone else or at another time. In so many
ways, any time any of us has a new partner, it’s kind of like the first
time all over again, just because we’re all so different in what we
like and don’t like, do and don’t want to do, and what does and doesn’t
feel right or authentic in a given partnership. With a brand new
partner, we are ALL inexperienced. A lot of people do worry about their
sexual skills and performance, but when we recognize it isn’t
performance at all, nor is it about any one-way we can get right or
wrong, but something we create and build with someone or for ourselves
— and when we have sexual experiences that make it obvious — that
worry gets relatively easy to let go of. And if that doesn’t work, at
some point in your life you’re likely to have completely amazing sex
based on something someone did on accident or which initially seemed
totally silly or clumsy and that should nip that in the bud.

You say you have concerns about pain. I’m assuming you’re talking
about intercourse, but know that whether we’re talking about that or
other kinds of sex, sex doesn’t have to be painful and often isn’t.
It’s usually pleasurable, which is a big reason why most people do it.
Certainly, some women (or men) do experience pain sometimes with sex,
but that’s usually due to injury, and like any other kind of injury,
sexual injury is something we can often prevent. With first
intercourse, some big reasons for pain are things like nervousness or
fear, lack of enough arousal on the women’s part first, lack of enough
lubrication, or sexual partners who are too hasty, rough or
unattentive. Those things are mostly within your control, and one way
of controlling them is holding off on intercourse until you spend time
doing things like getting to know your own body and sexuality by
yourself through masturbation and evaluating your feelings, having
things you need like lubricants, and only choosing to do that with a
partner you have found out — through other sexual activities, through
talking, through experiencing in other aspects of your relationship —
is likely to be the kind of partner who very much wants to help you to
avoid pain and pursue shared, mutual pleasure.

 

Per the worries about parents finding out, I’m a fan of ideally
choosing not to have sex until we are in a situation where the world
would not come crashing down if our sexual activity was discovered by
parents or anyone else. For some people, that can mean honesty with
parents, communication with them, negotiations with them, to get to a
place where they do have parental support in having a sex life.
Obviously, that’s not an option for everyone: not everyone’s parents
are going to be supportive about sex, whether that’s about age, marital
status, sexual orientation or something else. If and when a person
feels like or knows that parental discovery about sex would present
dangers to them or others, or a level of conflict they just don’t want,
my advice is to hold off on sex until that person has a level of
autonomy from their parents — such as no longer living with them and
being financially dependent on them — that doesn’t make parental
discovery or disapproval earth-shattering.

Hopefully, all of that information and address made you feel at least a little bit better and a lot less scared.

It sounds to me like you’re feeling that because most of your
friends report enjoying sex (which may or may not be accurate:
self-reporting about sex tends to be very inaccurate, something sex
researchers struggle with a lot in their work) and feeling ready like
something is wrong with you not feeling that same way. But it’s not. I
also don’t think you have to see your worries and fears right now as a
problem you have to solve: it is totally okay not to feel ready or to
want to open yourself up to certain risks, especially when it’s so
abstract and you aren’t in a relationship — with another person, as
well as with yourself — where you are seeing more pros than cons.

I’m concerned that you’re feeling like the place that you’re at
means you, as compared to your friends, are immature. Having sex or
being willing to have sex doesn’t tell us anything about someone’s
maturity. By all means, how someone conducts their sex life and their sexual relationships can, but just having sex? Nah.

I used to have a pet rabbit, and he’d hump anything that moved. I
loved that bunny like nobody’s business, but he was not the sharpest
tack in the box, and his sexual urge and desire to enact that urge did
not make him Mr. Mature. It just made him a critter with a strong urge
and no understanding of why he shouldn’t pursue that urge (of course,
there was no reason he shouldn’t especially since my shoe was not going
to wind up pregnant). As was the case for rabbits like Moe, so it is
with people: the urge for sex and enacting that urge alone tells us
squat about maturity.

In my mind, a better mark of maturity when it comes to sex is when
the choices about sex a person makes are based on what that person
evaluates mindfully, compassionately and strongly feels are best for
them and whomever else those choices involve or may impact.

When I set your fears aside, what I hear from you is a thoughtful
evaluation of how you feel and what you do and don’t want right now. I
hear that you know for yourself that right now is too young for you to
have sex or to feel comfortable exploring your sexuality with someone
else. You’re choosing not to have sex right now because you know it’s
not in alignment with your wants and needs and not likely to feel safe
for you at this time. That’s maturity to me. If your friends have put
the same thought into their own self-evaluations about sex and come to
the conclusion that sex with a partner IS right for them, and are
conducting their sex lives in a way that’s in alignment with their
wants and needs, and is safe for them, that’s maturity, too. You and
they may be making different choices, but it’s not the choice you make
that tells us about your or their maturity, but the way it is made and
enacted.

None of us are likely to feel totally comfortable with the idea of
sex in the abstract. I like having sex a lot, am clearly very
comfortable with the subject of sex, and feel I’m very capable of
managing it well. But I’m not going to feel that way about it with just
any random person or in any random situation: I have to know that
person, know that situation, and consider my readiness through that
very specific lens, every single time I consider having sex.

You’re not dating someone right now, so you do not have to think
about any of this if you don’t want to, nor feel any need to somehow
get and feel ready right now. You certainly can spend more time
educating yourself about the benefits and the risks, how a person can
manage both, and if you do feel very uncomfortable in your own skin, do
some work on your own self-esteem and body image, which is likely to
benefit you whether you’re sexually active or not. You can obviously
also give some thought — though it sounds like you already have — to
what kinds of things you feel like you, independently, do and don’t
want to deal with right now. Then, if and when you do
meet someone you have feelings for, and who you do get to know, start
to date, and get to a point in the relationship where one or both of
you is interested in pursuing sexual activity, at that time considering
all of this is bound to feel a lot better and also be something you’ll
probably have a lot more clarity about. You can bring any of these
feelings and concerns to the table with that person at whatever point
you feel is best and construct relationships which best fit what you do
and do not want or feel ready for. If that means you want to date but
want to choose not to have sex, you get to do that.

I want you to be able to walk away from this knowing that you aren’t
a problem that needs fixing, and aren’t somehow unliberated because of
your concerns or because sex isn’t right for you right now. That’s a
big bunch of hooey. Anyone who might think where you are at right now
means you are uptight is either a dope, projecting their own
insecurities unto you, or someone who probably wants something from you
that’s totally about them, and not at all about you. There isn’t a
thing wrong with you for being in the place you’re at now.

I know I’ve given you a lot of information already, but if you’re
still hungry for more, I have a few more links I think might leave you
in a better place than you were at the start. I very much hope that all
of this has helped you feel a lot better, both in terms of your fears,
but also when it comes to your own ability to feel good about, and
confident in, making sexual choices based not on friends or worries
about how you will be perceived by others, but in what you think and
know is best for you and in the most alignment with your own very
unique — as all of ours are — wants, needs and goals.

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Follow Heather Corinna on twitter: @Scarleteen

  • invalid-0

    The question is good and likely meaningful to a large fraction of young women.

    I was a teenager once and knew several girls who likely had questions much like yours. Now I have some answers I wish I had had then and will give them to you now.

    Ms. Corinna’s answer has a lot of good information, but I believe that her answer leaves out some of the most important points and has some assumptions that are from not good down to dangerous. Ms. Corinna “is the founder, editor and director of Scarleteen.com”, and this site is “inclusive”. That site, in its description of itself, makes clear that it has some particular views and even an ideology. The site is “inclusive” in some respects but not all: The site rejects or neglects views long strongly held at least in Western civilization.

    My remarks will be for girls (and their boyfriends) considering heterosexual relationships.

    For a short answer to the main questions, your concerns are common. There is a very short answer to your question: When I was 14, I met a girl of 12 who was pretty beyond belief, nice, sweet, and physically mature beyond her years. We walked and talked and ate ice cream at Howard Johnson’s, and she watched while I repaired the electrical cord on her mother’s vacuum cleaner. Eventually, when she was 13 and her mother was out shopping, the girl went back to her bedroom, came out wearing jeans about two sizes too small, had us go for a walk, found a secluded place, sat, spread her legs apart, and said, “I need someone I can trust”.

    She wasn’t in love, but she was curious.

    She had a point: She believed that trust is necessary, and she was correct. Why? Sure: She didn’t want to be raped, impregnated, used, infected, embarrassed, or anything else bad.

    Likely the usual non-stressful way girls have gotten through your concerns is by having a boyfriend whom they can trust and moving forward in small steps, from talking to walking, holding hands, hugging, kissing, etc., over time, say, some weeks or months. Then the time interval helps the girl know that she can trust the boy. The small steps mean that she is not risking much at each step. If you really can trust him, then he should be SURE not to hurt you or impregnate you.

    For your being good enough or doing enough to please the boy, if the boy is nice enough even for you to kiss, then for the first time you have had sex he shouldn’t mind that you are inexperienced.

    That the population of Earth is now over six billion people is overwhelmingly strong evidence that sex is not difficult. Dogs, cats, birds, bees, insects, worms, fish, etc. do it successfully. You come from a line of females going back many tens of millions of years each of whom, without a single exception, was successful at sex, nearly always without the help of computers, books, or even language. I’m fully confident you can be successful. If I were your father, then I would have zero confidence that you would be unable to have sex successfully.

    But, there are some issues much more important than discussed so far: The main issue is your life. Clearly having a good life is important but, as even a little investigation shows, not easy. Personally I assure you that having a good life is challenging. Even if you are healthy, wealthy, well informed and well educated, a good life is challenging.

    Here is a big piece of advice: One of the best lessons you can learn in life is when to say “No”. Broadly the answer is, from frequently to nearly always. For example, in business, go to the Web sites of the venture capital community: Each venture partner looks at about 2000 business plans a year and invests at a rate of something less than one a year. Still, only the best 20% of venture firms made much money over the past 10 years. Venture partners say “No” a lot — over 2000 times for each “Yes”. Even then only about one in 10 times they say “Yes” works out very well.

    In particular, the world — TV, magazines, ‘pop’ culture, high school hallways, especially the Internet — is just awash in nonsense ideas. One of the biggest dangers in life is to say “Yes” to a nonsense idea, and one of the biggest lessons you can learn in a good education is some skills at ‘critical thinking’ that will let you say “No” to ALL the nonsense ideas and “Yes” to only a very few good ideas. You can get your money’s worth in a college education even if you learn nothing at all you can use or say “Yes” to but become good at detecting nonsense and saying “No” to it. There is a joke, “You can always tell a Harvard man, but you can’t tell him much.” Here the suggestion is not that Harvard taught the man all the good knowledge but that they taught him how to say “No” to nonsense.

    My opinion: The biggest reason for the challenge of life is people saying “Yes” to nonsense ideas they should say “No” to. Or, the biggest danger is not the good information you do not know but the bad information you have accepted as good. For a current example, the person who left their $100,000 inheritance in a bank savings account at low interest is better off than the one who went to a party with ‘A-list’ people, was told, “He’s the master. It’s closed, but I know someone who may be able to get you in.”, and gave the money to Barry Madoff. Such a remark at a party, even an ‘A-list’ party, even from a famous, rich person, is just JUNK information, about investments or nearly anything else. To have a good life, have to say “No” a LOT.

    The data from the venture firms provides some good insight into the challenges of success. However, with a good approach, getting to “Yes” may not be too difficult: The venture partners are eager for much better business plans. At present, I have 32 venture partners eager to see my software run (I am taking time out from software to write this answer to you and other young people). I saw how FedEx got started, and no one there ever walked on water in warm weather: Success does not have to be too difficult.

    Your questions are good enough that it looks like you can be successful. First lesson: Learn to say “No” to all the nonsense ideas.

    Moving on, there is a book, by a wide margin the best I found on how to have a good life: E. Fromm, ‘The Art of Loving’. It might now count as a ‘classic'; it was written in the 1940’s but is still available. No, it’s not a manual of sexual positions or even the ‘art’ of being good at sexual intercourse.

    One point the book makes is, “Men and women deserve equal respect as persons but are not the same.”. The book goes on to explain that there is a common idea, that Fromm argues is just awful, that men and women are, or should be, just the same in every way except for, say, the most obvious physical differences and that this idea came to Western civilization from the French Revolution where any difference was seen as a potential source of injustice.

    Clearly women are not able to do well in the NFL and NBA. My opinion, after careful observation over decades, is that there are many other, much more important areas of life where women totally outclass men or where men totally outclass women. One view is that men and women who do about the same on an IQ test should be able to do about as well in intellectual work, and my solid observations are no: IQ, or intelligence, education, knowledge, determination, endurance, and hard work are still not nearly enough because there is one more point: Emotions. Emotionally men and women are more different than in the physical attributes needed for the NFL and NBA. In some parts of life, women’s emotions are just crucial and totally outclass men who don’t have a clue. In other parts of life, women’s emotions totally overwhelm IQ and all rationality and render them moot. She can be genuinely brilliant and in Phi Beta Kappa and, still, in some areas of life will ‘emotionalize’ instead of ‘rationalize’ and show less rational ability than an inebriated, half-witted cockroach.

    As one expert explained to me, “OF COURSE women are MUCH more emotional than men. That is the cause of all the problems” between men and women.

    A message and warning from me to young women: If you are even roughly a normal young female, then in several important areas of life you are very likely very different from a normal man and will remain so for all or nearly all of your life. You’re not better or worse: You are different.

    The book explains, and I largely agree, that the central problem in life is getting security in face of our realization that alone we are vulnerable to the hostile forces of nature and society.

    So, as you have already noticed, about sex and likely romance and much more, you don’t want to be alone. Good: Almost certainly, you don’t. That feeling is strongly built-in. Good that you recognized the feeling. Or, we have to guess that people who didn’t have that strong feeling are not our ancestors, that is, didn’t do well in the challenges of having a good life.

    But my advice is that you want, and need, more: You want a lot of good relationships with family, relatives, and friends. With these you get both emotional security and financial security against “the hostile forces of nature and society”. Also you feel better, much happier, just because you are not alone and are with supportive people.

    Of these relationships, the most important stands to be with your husband. Moreover, having a good marriage stands to be the biggest part of having a good life.

    It is true that many young people had parents who did not have good marriages. A standard remark about people is that there is so much to learn about how to have a good marriage that about the only way young people do learn is from the example they saw in their childhood home. So, if that example had flaws, and nearly all do, then the young person needs to work hard to question and possibly set aside some negative feelings about marriage, look again at what marriage should be, and try to have such a marriage. Fromm’s book is the best source I know for how to have a good marriage. In particular, if you have a negative feeling about marriage, then analyze that feeling objectively, say, as if someone else had that feeling and your job was to argue against it. Then, collect evidence, hopefully from families far from yours. Look at the evidence and judge if the feeling is justified. Not everything about marriage is good; some negative feelings will be justified, and others will not. You have to collect good evidence, think carefully, and decide, mostly far from your own family experience. For example, go to the Internet and see what others think. Look at Fromm. Etc. I would suggest that you write down your work and later give it a critical reading. Then keep what you wrote and review it occasionally over the next few years. This process of investigation, writing, critical reading, and review should make your thinking much more clear and solid.

    So, maybe you will take my advice and conclude that the goals you are really after are a good life and, as a big part of that, a good marriage.

    One of the features of a good life and a good marriage is that they last a long time. When a marriage does not last, the result is nearly always a lot of pain, at least emotionally and financially. Usually each former spouse is now much more alone in life, and that is at least stressful and also risky: Lives can be seriously hurt and shortened.

    So, people should start in marriage intending, planning, and working to make the marriage be good and last.

    Western civilization has recognized for centuries that a marriage should be a ‘contract’ sealed with a person’s most serious vows.

    Traditional vows include “until death do we part”. Why? Because a person gets only one really good chance to have a really good marriage with a loving spouse, happy children, and a happy home. Having a happy home as the decades go by is difficult enough with one spouse and much more difficult with several marriages and divorces.

    While some people suspect that they can’t be married or can’t be happily married for long or that marriage is just one of society’s old mistakes, my view is that such feelings seriously hurt the chances for a good life.

    But, there stand to be problems: So, traditional vows include, “for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and health”. Likely some or all of these will be needed. Again, the alternative is to be much more alone against the hostile forces of nature and society and also just the pain of being alone.

    It is a fact of life: If you have sex with a man, then likely you will at least start to have an emotional connection with him. For a simple, first, example, if he has a climax and, then, immediately gets up and does something else, ignoring you, then you will be hurt. You may roll over, bury your head in a pillow, and cry. With sex comes an emotional connection, whether you want it or not. Sex is not just about friction; it is not just mutual masturbation, not even especially skilled, athletic, gymnastic, mutual masturbation.

    If you have a serious relationship with him and discover that he recently had sex with another woman, then you will fear that your relationship with him is at risk, and you will likely be correct and be hurt.

    So, one of the standard marriage vows is, “forsaking all others”. That is, both spouses promise not to have sex outside of the marriage.

    A man just as a substitute for a battery powered electric vibrating appliance is not a good solution to any important problem in life: Friction is easy and not very important; affection is much more difficult and very important; a good marriage and a good life are both what are really important.

    Summary so far: The real problem is having a good life. For that a serious problem to be solved is not being alone, and the best solution is a good marriage. The most important part of that marriage is the emotional connection and all the rest of the security from the marriage vows, not just some mutual masturbation. Separating sex and serious emotional connection is not promising.

    Here are some more points you should understand: It is likely that everyone on the Earth today descended from a small group of humans about 40,000 years ago. That means that we are all much like the humans in that group. Evidence? Start at you, work backwards in the family tree to 40,000 years ago, notice the changes, work forward, noticing more changes, to someone else on the Earth. If on something you are close to that person, then you are still closer to those people 40,000 years ago. E.g., women who are small, meek, sweet, with child-like faces are considered attractive in much of Western civilization and also especially in Japan, but it is a good guess that the common ancestors are about 20,000 years ago. So, this version of feminine attractiveness goes back at least 20,000 years or so.

    Net, we are a LOT like people 40,000 years ago. Look a little at anthropology and see how those people lived. Or catch the 1933 movie ‘Eskimos’ recently shown on TCM. One thing you will discover is that girls at age 16 did well as wives and mothers. Likely, in the same circumstances, you are able to do as well as they did. In simple terms, then, at age 16, you are ready to be a good wife and mother. In particular, your interest in sex is likely not just something small but evidence that you are ready to be a good wife and mother — in the circumstances of, say, 40,000 years ago.

    What were those circumstances? Usually people lived in small groups. Necessarily nearly all the people were closely related. So, each young woman was constantly close to her family and relatives, was nearly never alone, and had a lot of emotional security. In particular, she was close to her children nearly 24 hours a day and close to her husband for most of each day.

    But, for some astounding reasons, those people 40,000 years ago did shockingly well. For example, they walked from Africa east to India, across Asia to China, into Siberia, across the Bering Strait, and down the west coast of the Americas all the way to the southern tip of South America at Patagonia.

    These people did so well they invented writing, large scale social organization, agriculture, animal husbandry, wood working, metal working, stone working, textiles, literature, mathematics, chemistry, physics, engineering, medicine, and technology. Amazing. Now they have created so many people and so changed society that, especially important for women, the emotional security of the small groups is mostly gone and there is a large risk of a lot of anxiety from being alone. This aloneness makes a good marriage more important, but our society makes a good marriage more difficult: For example, in most families, the family members are out pursuing careers, shopping, education, etc. and spending much less time all together in the home; the grandparents, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, etc. are often far away.

    Also, the economy makes education and more maturity important, including for women.

    So, at age 16 you are ready for a marriage of 40,000 years ago but for a marriage today need more time, maturity, and education. In particular, while you are ready for marriage sexually and emotionally, you are not ready in some other respects.

    Early in

    Maggie Scarf, ‘Intimate Partners: Patterns in Love and Marriage’, Random House, New York, ISBN 0-394-5585-X, 1987.

    by Dr. Carol Nadelson, Past President of the American Psychiatric Association, is a remark that traditional marriage was about “offspring, security, and caretaking”. Why is a “traditional” marriage of interest? Because it has a track record of lasting, and next to nothing else does.

    So, the wife was not independent, autonomous, or self-sufficient but cared for and subordinate. She was in the home and caring for children. Making a sudden, huge change in just a few decades after 40,000 years of such a pattern is not promising.

    For many young women, an attractive man is physically healthy, psychologically stable, happy, confident, has good values, has good friends, is a good leader, is good at making her laugh, loves her, is very gentle with her, monitors, perceives, understands, and responds to her emotions (NOT easy for men), wants children and is good with them, is eager to care for her and their children, and is able to do so, especially financially.

    Given all of these, how do you know he loves you? Fromm has a list of four items: He tells you what he thinks, believes, hopes for and he cares about you, respects you, and responds to you. And you are supposed to do the same toward him. Then you are building some significant intimacy, even more than taking a shower together or having sex.

    So, still, commonly a woman wants to be cared for. Then for a young woman to insist that she will be independent, autonomous, self-sufficient, ‘equal’, etc. as feminists such as Ms. Corinna do is taking on a relatively new and unproven but very heavy, dangerous, and possibly fatal load in life. My fervent advice is: Don’t do it; don’t try it; regard it as one of the worst dangers you face; don’t even think about trying it.

    Instead, my advice is that you should want a good marriage. For sex, your question, you want that tied as closely as possible to your good marriage.

    Danger? Yes: If you have sex with a lot of men, and with each break whatever emotional connection there was, then your ability to have a close emotional connection with sex in your marriage will be hurt. Then your marriage will be less close, hurt, and threatened, and your good life will be threatened. Going back tens of thousands of years, you were designed to fall in love with a man and have sex, children, and a good life; you were NOT designed to have sex, start to fall in love, not have children, and break it off, over and over again.

    Another problem is, if you have sex at age 16, then the boy or man can be at risk of some serious legal trouble because commonly US state legislatures, full of old men, passed laws saying that girls 16 should not have sex.

    Again, 40,000 or so years ago there was no problem: A girl of 16 thinking about sex would likely soon be married and having children. Now, for high school graduation, you have to wait until about age 17; for college graduation, about age 21. That’s a lot of waiting. But the goal remains the same: A good life and for that a good marriage.

    So, net, on all of sex, marriage, and children, you have to wait. Sorry ’bout that.

    How to wait? Tell the boy the common, “I don’t want to get that involved.” And, be sure to spend little or no time with a boy in circumstances where sex would be likely.

    In the meanwhile, do well in your education to help you do better in making decisions in life, understand excellence in that field, evaluate the education of a candidate husband, guide the education of your children, and do well in the economy in case you have to work; read Fromm; read some introductory clinical psychology so that you can diagnose common mental disorders so that you can avoid marrying one; learn about the US economy so that you can pick a husband that can do well in the economy. When you are ready for marriage, diet and exercise to achieve your ideal weight; get a good hair style; do whatever is needed for you to have clear skin; get some attractive clothes; circulate where there are good candidate husbands (sadly, not in a college or university — the men are too young). Nowhere in this list did I suggest that you become skilled at sex — amazing!

    To learn about the US economy, first, largely ignore everything in academic ‘economics'; very sadly, even dangerously for our society, that stuff has next to nothing to do with any real economy or anything useful or important. Instead, start by looking at who is doing well in the economy and who is not and see why. One point you will notice is that careers in large organizations started to look good about 100 years ago but no longer look good because such careers do not last long enough and the person, fired, often has to start again with nothing. Notice that many of the people doing well own and operate successful small businesses with just local customers. Due to the local customers, such a business is not in competition with anyone more than, say, 100 miles away. So, if they do well in a radius of 100 miles, then they can do well. In particular they are not in competition with anyone in Russia, China, or India. If they serve a broad range of customers, then they stand to do at least well enough if the economy is working at all. One of the best economic foundations for a good marriage is for the husband and wife to be working together in the family business; this is also a good opportunity for the children to learn about business and maybe to get a good start on their careers. Look at technology and ‘internationalization’ and try to estimate what will be solid or not for the next, say, 70 years — important but not easy to do. Go to the venture capital sites and look at the biographies of the venture partners. Look at the biographies of founders of hot startup companies. Observe that for decades nearly everywhere in the industrialized world many of the good business opportunities have been in the category of “big truck-little truck” where someone buys a product at a low cost per unit in a large quantity from a big truck and sells the product at much higher cost per unit in many small quantities via small trucks. The Internet is killing off some of

    these opportunities but not all of them. You can notice that one way to help yourself do well in the economy is to be known and respected by a lot of people. Just how to do this varies, but this has been one of the more important reasons to go to a famous, selective university. The Internet may be making big changes in this point. Ask your parents, aunts, uncles, teachers, etc. for introductions to people in various careers who will give you information interviews to help you in your career planning. You will want to interview people in business and also law, medicine, academics, finance, and government. Write down what you learn, keep it, and reread it over at least the next few years.

    Sure, I know all of this NOW, but it took me too long to learn it. Why didn’t I learn all this from my parents? Because they knew very little of it, because they didn’t have to know it, because they just followed a pattern society gave them, a pattern that worked fairly well. Now that pattern is gone and people have to build again, starting from next to nothing. If I had known all of this when I was your age, then my life would have been much better.

    For the ‘feminists’? On average they are being weak, sick, or dead limbs on Darwin’s big tree and, thus, are self-defeating. You can look back at old movies and at some of other history for the past 100 years, at least, and see that there has long been a lot of ‘tension’ for women: On the one hand, to be good at motherhood, women mostly need to be cared for by a man who is a good leader and, thus, in many practical matters, needs for her to be subordinate, even obedient. On the other hand, some women resent being subordinate or are even poorly treated; so, some women see being independent, autonomous, self-sufficient, equal, breaking glass ceilings in the world of work men created (to be convenient for men) as an attractive goal. Many of these women, however, will discover that their emotions, really designed for a home, seriously hurt their abilities in the world of work and that being alone brings some terrible, possibly even fatal, anxieties.

    Also, there is now a big lie told to women that careers that men have traditionally done is what is really important and that motherhood that only women can do is much less important. Nonsense, total sour-grapes, made up, destructive nonsense: All the man’s career is for is just to make money enough to pay the bills for the family. Indeed, if he gets rich, he is free and often eager to leave the work. The really good work is motherhood, in the home. For example, getting rich from, say, winning the lottery doesn’t mean that a woman should give up her children!

    In a good marriage, a woman can actually have a LOT of power, so much that ‘equality’ can be a big step down. In particular, a strong norm is that it is his responsibility, no matter what the circumstances, to do whatever is necessary to make sure she never sheds more than one tear at a time, and this norm puts a HUGE load on him and gives her a LOT of power. And the wife has much more in emotional insight, how she gives affection, manipulation, the good of the children, etc. A man will commonly conclude that, except on some rare, really crucial issue, he really doesn’t want to argue with his wife. Indeed, a saying goes, “You can never win an argument with a woman.”.

    • invalid-0

      Ladies and gents, this is what you get when you cross Henry Makow with Phyllis Schlafly.

    • invalid-0

      You say women are to emotional. I ask you what is anger? Answer: it is an emotion that men have blown out of control. Look at all the wars all the violence all killings, murders rapes, beheadings abuse. Look at who is in jail three times more than women.
      ANGER is an EMOTION!! It is mostly MALE!

      Sorry you loose.

    • invalid-0

      I feel sorry for your wife and/or any woman you ever come in contact with in your life. :|

  • invalid-0

    Need to be taught self respect from the beginning. From the parents starting at an early age. Parents need to talk to their children boys and girls about sex. They really need to push the point nowadays that sex can be deadly with the aids virus, hepatitis C and STDs. Just hearing some of that is enough to make someone think twice or more.
    Self respect is the key. The body is a temple and should be treated as such. WAIT.

    • invalid-0

      ??? When you say “WAIT” I’m going to assume you mean “wait to have heterosexual penetrative genital-genital intercourse until marriage”. Of course, you might mean “wait to engage in any given sexual activity until you feel you’re ready to do so”, in which case I agree wholeheartedly and the rest of my comment is void.

      “sex can be deadly with the aids virus, hepatitis C and STDs” This is of course, why we invented condoms, STI screenings, antibiotics, and antiretrovirals. You can have sex now without many of the associated risks (though never with zero risk – though i feel like pointing out that statistically every time you get into a car you’re taking a MUCH bigger chance with your life than one instance of unprotected genital-genital intercourse with a complete stranger; I’m not advocating more risky sex, I’m advocating less car-driving). Also, forgoing sexual activity (and IV drug use, and blood transfusions, and physical contact with other human beings and their body fluids) until marriage will only guarantee that YOU are STI-free on your wedding night, it guarantees nothing about your partner. (Surprise! People lie. Especially about their sexual histories. Especially when they have sexual histories but aren’t “supposed to” because they come from a culture that tells them to wait until marriage to have any sexual experience.)

      This doesn’t even get into the fact that waiting until marriage is a moratorium on sex for homosexual couples who cannot get married in most of the 50 states.

  • invalid-0

    You had to write a freaking treatise to say, essentially, “Don’t have sex before marriage. Embrace traditional gender norms. Subordinate yourself to your man. Otherwise you will be unhappy!

    As if there aren’t many, many women who have done all that—all that society has expected of them—and still been unhappy with their lot in life.

    As if feminists do not respect women who genuinely make this choice for themselves (as opposed to being browbeaten into it by “advice” like yours).

    As if you, as a man in this deeply sexist society, would be likely to have real insight into how women can find happiness. Here’s a hint: An inflexible, one-size-fits-all blueprint that lays out the entire course of their life is about as likely to work for them as it is for you. Here’s another hint: Look up “male privilege.”

    You’re damn right Heather Corinna’s advice embraces different values from yours. She’s telling this young woman that her own needs and concerns are what’s important, and not the collective desires of men like you who want her to follow the life script that you’ve prepared for her.

  • invalid-0

    You need to read what I wrote again and think about it carefully.

    In particular, I gave a lot of careful reasoning and some of the most solid references there are and was not “browbeating” at all.

    You wrote “As if there aren’t many, many women who have done all that—all that society has expected of them—and still been unhappy with their lot in life.”

    That’s true. I saw a LOT of women, in what appeared to be terrific marriages, very unhappy, and leave the marriages. Problem is, the women were nearly always much less happy outside the marriages than they were inside the marriages. One said, “If I had known how hard it would be, then I would not have gotten the divorce.”. In what I saw, the person who wanted the divorce was nearly always the woman, and the reason she wanted the divorce was nearly always that she was just bored and frustrated. Again, nearly always, when she was divorced, she was much worse off, and knew it. In one case, she was so much worse off it was fatal.

    So, traditional marriages are not always good for women. Even worse, even when by all obvious criteria a marriage looks terrific, the marriage can leave the women very unhappy. Problem is, the alternatives are worse. While a small fraction of women can be successful with feminism, on average feminism is much worse. If you have something better, then you need to describe it.

    One reason for the length of my post was to explain to young women, in some detail, the crucial importance of a good marriage, especially for the emotions of women. Men are MUCH better at being alone, both economically and emotionally, than women are. The only advantage the women have is that women easily form ‘herds’ with other women. But the herds are mostly superficial and do not do much for the women.

    There is a standard point: Sometimes it is called the “seven year itch”. One description is that when the last baby is out of diapers, she is ready to leave. Another remark is, “She’s getting all frustrated; time to knock her up again.”.

    Net, it seems true: Some women, no matter how luxurious their lifestyle, how much their husband loves them, or seemingly anything else, will be unhappy by three years after their last new love or new baby. There is one possible exception: If she has about eight of her own children, then she can be happy dedicating herself to being just a mother and, soon, a grandmother. In our society, only a tiny fraction of women can hope to have the financial resources for so many children.

    I really do believe that the frustration of women in modern life, married or not, was essentially unknown in traditional small tribal societies. Then in part my recommendation is to return to some of the features of that past success. In particular, I recommended that the woman join her husband in a family business. For her to be a farm housewife is also a good option. It will also help if her parents, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, and long time friends are close. It will also help if she respects being a wife and mother and sets aside the lie that what men do at work is more important.

    There is another, even darker view, that for a large fraction of women alive today there is no good solution. Often in the past few hundred years, such women were wives and mothers, and very unhappy, because, due to economic and social pressures, they had no real alternatives. Now feminism gives an alternative but one that is a disaster at reproduction. So, we have to guess that in just a few generations, in the industrialized societies, essentially the only women left will be ones who are really good at being wives and mothers and are really happy doing it. If so, then we are now living in one of the most rapid changes in the human gene pool in the last 40,000 years.

    • invalid-0

      So, traditional marriages are not always good for women. Even worse, even when by all obvious criteria a marriage looks terrific, the marriage can leave the women very unhappy. Problem is, the alternatives are worse. While a small fraction of women can be successful with feminism, on average feminism is much worse. If you have something better, then you need to describe it.

      Now feminism gives an alternative but one that is a disaster at reproduction.

      It’s pretty clear that you have no clue what feminism is all about. (I’ll bet you’ve used the qualifier “bra-burning” more than a few times, too.) If you’re that ignorant of a topic that directly concerns women, it’s reasonable to presume that much of what you’re saying is similarly ignorant as well.

      Oh… and those traditional, “tribal” societies that you hold up as an ideal? Anthropologists believe that ancient hunter-gatherers had a much more egalitarian split of public responsibilities and privileges that what we have now. Maybe society is going back to the ancient ways after all.

  • heather-corinna

    As an "inebriated, half-witted cockroach," one supposes I have little to add and there is really no point, since I obviously will be unable to think rationally due to my feminine emotions.

    And I do have little to say to this, save that this entire comment would have made me lose my breakfast if I had eaten yet, and young women are pretty likely to have a similar response.  Many of them know full well, already, how capable they are, what they want and are able to see missives like this for exactly what they are, thank goodness.

    However, even dim-witted, "dead limb" gals like myself can read, and if nothing else, I can certainly add that Fromm on gender is a sticky wicket, because he often changed his opinions throughout his life, and he often contradicted himself as his work progressed (and as we’d expect with any person actually evolving and really evaluating their ideas critically).  However, we was pretty clear throughout all of his work in standing pretty strongly AGAINST much of what this commentator has suggested.  I feel very strongly that Fromm (who I spent some time studying in the college education so apparently pointless for any of my sex) would have found much of what you have suggested here — especially said at this point in time, as I am sure he would have taken the information about sex and gender we have now, but did not then, into account — appalling, and would probably have been not-at-all pleased to have had any part in enabling or inspiring this oppressive, sexist mishegoss.  Some of his longtime correspondence with Raya Dunayevskaya, particularly in the 70’s, makes pretty clear he did not share your feelings on feminism or women.

    Fromm talked a lot about the importance of human adaptation to new models as they developed, and being open to them, open to shucking the old, as well as the notion that it is important that every person have an equality about being an end unto him or herself, which clearly was lost on you.  He also talked a lot about how he felt so little about us was biologically determined, but instead, a result of culture.  Looks like that got overlooked, too.

    My feeling is that also overlooked was that a lot of what you are saying here?  IS a fine example of the hostile forces of society, particularly the hostile forces of society when it comes to women.

  • heather-corinna

    And here I thought the stuff about women being tipsy cockroaches was my favorite quote from Anonymous today.

     

    But that now has very stiff competition with our relationships with each other being "superficial herds."  That’s freaking priceless.

  • http://www.theblogerotic.com invalid-0

    I am a sex therapist and one of the questions I always ask my clients is how they became sexually active. How old people are when they become sexually active and how it occurs is extremely individual. Most people become active in high school or college. Some people wait until marriage if they are deeply religious and have made that commitment. Unfortunately, waiting until marriage and being ill-prepared for becoming a sexual partner is a bad combination. Whether you have religious convictions or not, good sex education–and that means more than plumbing and prevention–is very important.

    I applaud this article and think many teens will find it helpful.

    Dr. Stephanie Buehler
    The Buehler Institute
    The Blog Erotic

  • http://www.caipublishing.net invalid-0

    Great article ‘Get Real’ posted 03/06/09 … but it doesn’t solve our problem of chastity today. We need to show young people the ‘Secrets of CHASTITY from Higher Up’ by giving them the four star rated book, “LIFE IS SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED,” to read and carry with them at all times. It’s based upon Genesis Chapters 1 and 2 so check it out on: http://www.caipublishing.net
    Respectfully,
    William A. Cummins, Author
    Port Orange, Florida
    386-761-5675

  • invalid-0

    but at least you are advocating it for both sexes, and not just for girls. Still, a one dimensional answer to a three dimensional question. What a person needs is different for each individual person. For some, it is to be sexually active, for others, it is not. It is about individual CHOICE.

  • invalid-0

    Your emotions are overwhelming your reason: You attribute to me that I believe I know everything, and I never wrote or implied any such thing.

    Indeed, before reading your post, I posted:

    “You claim that I do not understand women. Largely you are correct: It is nearly impossible for a normal man to understand the emotions of a normal woman. For any real depth on those emotions, men don’t ‘get it’. Granted.”

    On your point about emotions of men, I already posted:

    “Do men ever let something overwhelm their rationality? Actually, yes! Young men are notorious for letting their testosterone make them neglect risk. As a teenager, I did this frequently, especially in how I rode my bicycle or drove my car, and am lucky to have lived through it.”

    Your example of anger is related.

    However, on this blog, it is the women who have shown anger in response to some fairly carefully written and reasoned views of reality.

    Generally it remains, “Women are much more emotional than men.”

  • invalid-0

    Ok and so what is your point? That women cannot function because they are to emotional? And I say once again” men are too angry to function properly”. I mean what are you trying to prove here? It sounds like a battle of superiority. Am I right? Unemotional.

  • invalid-0

    You were saying “that women are afraid to go out in the Real world”. I know many women who have gone out in the real world and have functioned perfectly fine. Made good livings for themselves as well as their children. One had no relatives and has been on her own for 21 years doing just fine. So that blows that theory does it not?
    I mean we learn to adapt to what life throws at us. I f women were such basket cases as you are saying we would all be childless and live in dark caves with iron bars on the front. This is not reality I think you are confused. Unemotional.

  • invalid-0

    “So, you saw some women hurt — “raped”, “oppressed” — and see feminism as something better. I never saw any women raped or oppressed; among the people I know well, women are very well cared for, cherished, privileged, with no chance of being raped or oppressed. I saw some women badly hurt — who basically hurt themselves because they rejected the wise, loving, caring leadership of the men who really loved them and made their “own” decisions about their “own” lives — from trying to pursue feminism and see a good version of traditional marriage as something better.”

    Really? I mean, Jesus, this is pre-Enlightenment thinking! Rational actors haven’t taken this kind of thought seriously in 300 years. I’d think Anonymous would know that given the fact that he’s read a book or two published since then. Wow, you were right Heather, I actually didn’t know people like this still existed.

    My god, I’m just stunned; the Puritans were more progressive. I just… wow. Wow! This guy is amazing! How does one actually let the experiences of three billion people wash over one with zero impact? That’s truly dedicated ignorance! What a great opportunity to illustrate the need for continued feminist activism. On behalf of feminists everywhere, I’d like to thank Anonymous for reminding us all why it’s so important to fight the good fight!

    Man, I thought I was done, but I really want to know: Anonymous, how do you even function in contemporary society? I mean, it seems like you’d have a stroke if you visited any major city and saw all the women walking around like they have their own minds. That’s gotta look like something out of 28 Days Later to you, right? My god, they vote now! And DRIVE! How can they avoid running people over when they can’t make the slightest decision about their lives without “the wise, loving, caring leadership of the men who really loved them”? Ha! I never thought anyone could make Ronald Regan look like Emma f**king Goldman!

  • invalid-0

    for any sort of sexual contact. Your right you can not trust anyone especially in the heat of the moment!
    It certainly is not worth dying over or being heartbroken. Especially for teens who do not really understand the complexity of a really good lasting relationship. It is so worth the wait. It is hard for some of them to understand that.

  • invalid-0

    gone to Harvard. They sound like him there. Women are not good enough in math blaah blaah blaah….

  • invalid-0

    Women successful outside the home? Sure, I admitted that.

    I, too, have seen such women.

    As I mentioned, many women do well in K-12 education and other ‘women’s’ jobs.

    Some women do well running a business because they learned the business working under their father or husband.

    A few women do well in challenging professional jobs in law, medicine, academics, or business.

    One women ran eBay for a long time, and now a woman is running Yahoo.

    Sarah Palin has done well in government.

    Still, on average, the world outside the home is MUCH more difficult for women than for men.

    On adaptability, I said that my experience is mixed, that some examples showed astounding adaptability and others showed astounding struggles for even small changes. So, we can’t much count on adaptability.

    There is a remark that the women of Oregon are especially strong because when the wagon trains went west, the cowards didn’t leave and the weak didn’t arrive!

    • invalid-0

      You don’t get out much, do you?
      There are a hell of a lot more than ‘a few’ women in law or medicine these days, and there’ll continue to be a lot more because possession of a penis is rarely a job qualification. Today’s girls realize this very well. Shame you haven’t yet.

    • invalid-0

      The thing I’m sure Traditional Anonymous doesn’t realize, the thing that he would be appalled at and deny if it’s pointed out to him, is that HE HAS NO RESPECT FOR WOMEN. He only thinks he does.

      If he respected women he wouldn’t espouse such outdated and utterly disproven ideas like women being slaves to their emotions, like their supposed inability to do jobs besides housekeeping and childrearing, like women in sport, science and business being ‘social outliers’ and therefore, not ‘real’ women.

      If he respected women he would not talk about them as unevolved evolutionary throwbacks whose minds aren’t advanced enough for them to be happy doing things any way except as he assumes they were done forty thousand years ago.

      If he respected women he would not presume that he knows what’s best for half the entire human population, that half the human population can’t decide what’s best for themselves.

      If he respected women he would not liken them to cockroaches of any sort, or tell them their relationships with each other are meaningless.

      If he respected women he would not spout that unfounded twaddle about sex wasting up women’s ability to bond and nurture. He would NOT tell them that it is their lot in life to sit back and let someone else take care of them, to put their lives entirely in someone else’s hands.

      In short, if Traditional Anonymous really respected women, he would recognize they are HUMAN BEINGS with ALL the hopes, abilities, gifts and aspirations that come along with it, and that they have every right to exercise those abilities to the fullest. He would not be trying so hard to convince them that they are nothing more than a semi-functional designated servant class, only here for his benefit and not their own.

      Good riddance to dinosaurs like Traditional Anonymous.

  • invalid-0
    • invalid-0

      How is a blonde joke, one clearly labelled ‘spoof’ at that, supposed to be proof of anything? Besides, if this were the norm it wouldn’t even show up on the radar.

  • heather-corinna

    If women were as feeble-minded and irrational as Anonymous clearly thinks — and in his mind, knows — we are, it shouldn’t be quite this hard to convince us we’re that stupid. 

     

    Just putting us in one of our "herds," giving us some nice cud to munch and a few babies to suckle, and having a man so clearly sage as this tell us that he knows better and he’ll take care of us really should do the trick, shouldn’t it?

  • harry834

    Biologists have detected differences between the cognitions of men and women. BUT these statistical generalities, as mathematical as they are, do NOT speak prophecy for individuals.

    Steven Pinker in his book the Blank Slate, defends the idea that men and women are different psychologically BUT says (page 339-340):

     "On the other side, some conservatives are confirming feminists’ worst fears by invoking dubious sex differences to condemn the choices of women."

    Three such guilty conservatives he names are:

    Harvey Mansfield, F. Carolyn Graglia, an Wendy Shalit and Danielle Critenden:

    "The journalists Wendy Shalit and Danielle Crittenden recently advised women to marry young, postpone their careers, and care for children in traditional marriages, even though they could not have written their books if they had followed their own advice…

    There is in fact no incompatibility between the principles of feminism and the possibility (emphasis Harry’s) that men and women are not psychologically identical. To repeat:

    equality is not the empirical claim that all groups of humans are interchangeable; it is the moral principle that individuals  should not be judged or constrained by the average properties of their group…

    nor should anyone (Including traditional Anonymous) invoke sex differences to justify discriminatory policies or to hector women into doing what they don’t want to do"

     

    End quote 

    • invalid-0

      Even better, a study has shown that statistical differences in types of cognition between genders disappear with training, i.e. anyone can do the job if they work at it, never mind gender.

  • invalid-0

    “it is the women who have shown anger in response to some fairly carefully written and reasoned views of reality.”

    I could take issue with your understanding of ‘reasoned views of reality’ but instead I will merely point out that I suspect the sex of the respondents is perhaps representative of the predominantly female readership of rh reality check rather than demonstrating any deeper division of emotions between the sexes.

  • heather-corinna

    I think it’s also worth mentioning that it is women who have been insulted and spoken about negatively in your statements.

     

    Had you written what you have about women about men instead (or any other gender), you would likely find that the men (or persons of whatever gender you were targeting) who responded would be experiencing or expressing the most anger.  Not because they are more emotional or less rational than you, but because that is who you were choosing to belittle and demean.

  • invalid-0

    “So, you saw some women hurt — “raped”, “oppressed” — and see feminism as something better. I never saw any women raped or oppressed; among the people I know well, women are very well cared for, cherished, privileged, with no chance of being raped or oppressed. I saw some women badly hurt — who basically hurt themselves because they rejected the wise, loving, caring leadership of the men who really loved them and made their “own” decisions about their “own” lives — from trying to pursue feminism and see a good version of traditional marriage as something better.”
    Considering that 1 in 3 women have or will be have to deal with an attempted or completed sexually assaulted in their lifetimes I find it very hard to believe that you have never met a woman that was raped or oppressed unless you have been living in a cave your whole life and your only interaction with women consisted of only your own mother! By the age of 18 I already personally knew 5 women that had been sexually assaulted, they were all my age or younger and thats not including the ones that were just physically assaulted. I am 33 now and in my short time on this earth I personally know over 20 women that have been sexually assaulted and many more that were physically assaulted. I don’t live in a big city, far from it! I’ve never lived in a city with a population bigger than 50,000; but if I can know this many women that have been assaulted, living in smaller communities my whole life, how can a man that claims to be so worldly NOT know at least half that many women that have dealt with similar circumstances? Mr. Traditional, I think you need to get yourself a reality check!
    As for your comment on “leadership” in regards to men leading women, thats one of the biggest loads of hogwash I’ve heard today. I have been a single mother for the last 8 years, do I regret kicking my ex husband out? The only thing I regret is not doing it sooner. Is my daughter better off? I certainly believe she is. My ex husband was the average male when we married, things were perfectly fine until three years into our marriage his behavior became erratic, and he became emotionally abusive to me, he was eventually diagnosised as being bi-polar, and I dealt with the mood swings, suicide threats and even threats to slice my own throat (he told this to a mental health nurse who by law had to inform me) until he became abusive to our 4 year old daughter simply because he didn’t want to hear her cry when her pet died so he decided to “give her something to cry about”, leaving welts and bruises on her small body, that was the last straw. I got a restraining order and he was physically escorted off the property by police as I feared he may try to make good on his past threat to slice my throat or physically harm our daught further. Since then he has chosen not to have visitation with her in any form and has not seen her since we seperated in October 2001.
    You may think that because of this I’m a “man-hating femi-nazi” but you would, again, be wrong. I’ve learned to put my needs and the needs of my daughter first, I learned I didn’t need a man to make me happy, I needed to make myself happy before anyone else ever could, kind of in the same sense that to know love you have to love yourself first. And surprise, surprise, I found a real man, one that doesn’t believe he has to control me or lead me as if I was cattle or sheep, one who treats me with respect, dignity, honesty and actually talks to me, not AT me or down to me as if I were an imbecile and he gets the same in return and we are happily engaged.

  • invalid-0

    I had a similiar experience–I never regretted for one moment getting a divorce from both of the abusers I was sadly married to in the past. After a good long time I met a wonderful man who is a true partner and has done a great job as “father” to my girls. Now grown, one of them just commented on how happy she is that we found eachother and now she knows what kind of man/relationship she will expect.Other daughter is living with a very nice young man who treats her as an equal partner–I know she would not expect anything less. I am so happy that because of feminism we can all choose to be who we really are. I know a great couple –the wife is very successful at her job and her husband stays home and cares for their kids, cooks, cleans–she hates to clean and by her own admission is a much better part time mom than full time. And before the dinosaurs think he is some kind of wimp–he is a very accomplished martial artist who could make mincemeat out of most of the so called men who seem to need to prove their manliness by abusing and controlling women. My partner and I share chores and bill paying and have a great sex life–we are in it for keeps because we like being together NOT because of some outdated idea of how marriage should be. And btw as someone else pointed out most anthropologists could tell you that most tribal societys were much more egalitarian than more “civilized” ones. And back to the original subject of the young girl who wrote in: great answer Corrina!

  • invalid-0

    The worst thing about choosing when you are/are not ready to have sex is that once you do, you can’t take it back.
    if you are with someone that you think will not understand you decision, your concerns, or would really judge you for “not being good enough” when you have never done it before… THEY are not ready to have sex with you!!!

  • invalid-0

    Traditional anonymous,

    you’re mom is too emotional

  • invalid-0

    your*

  • invalid-0

    i am a sixteen yearold who has a chance to have sex with this very sexy and healthy girl who is my age I feel ready for sex but i feel like I am not good enough for her because of the way i look how can i get rid of these nerves?

  • http://www.oil-painting-shop.com invalid-0

    Life is about taking risks and learning from mistakes, i feel. If you look at your fears over this, most are not worth worrying about. Angry parents or disappointed lovers is just something that you need to bare sometimes, it cannot be avoided and therefore shouldn’t be feared. As for STIs and pregnancy, of course, they are serious considerations and exactly why your early sexual experiences should be planned to some degree. Try to distinguish between necessary and unnecessary concerns, and then decide what you wish to do.

  • http://www.completemedicalbilling.com invalid-0

    It is important in today’s society that teenagers of all ages and gender be taught sex education. Even though the rate of teen pregnancy was coming down, the numbers are going up again and these children need to wait. Not just for the sake of pregnancy but because having sex is a big responsibility.