Get Real! On Female Ejaculation


Ginger asks:

A boyfriend
said that he dated a woman who orgasmed so much that she sprayed, like
water gushing out forcefully. He said it was so cool and great and he
wants me to do that! Do you have info about this?

Heather replies:

What you’re asking about is female ejaculation, sometimes colloquially called "squirting."

Before I say anything else, let me say these four things first:
1) That does not generally happen "because someone orgasms so much."
2) It is not a circus trick.
3) Not all women ejaculate, and even for those who do, most do
not ejaculate all the time, with every incidence of sex, or with any
given kind of sex, even when they have several orgasms or have a great
orgasm.
4) Not all women are comfortable with or enjoy ejaculating, regardless of how their partners feel about it.

Actually, let me say number two again: It is not a circus trick.
If it was, there’d also be a seal in your bed balancing a ball on its
nose. And clowns, which pretty much nobody wants in their bedroom.

I get the impression — and I’ve spoken with some other sexologists
and sex educators who get the same impression — that a lot of guys,
particularly younger guys DO see female ejaculation as a circus trick:
as a sexual novelty. Obviously, we’re all likely to experience some
level of novelty with sex and partners, and that’s fine, but I think we
also have to watch the line we’re walking where novelty crosses the
line and becomes or is objectification. We’re not toys, after all, or
something made to order for someone else to play with, we’re people and
we’re unique individuals. Our sexuality should be a reflection of who
we are, not who or what someone else wants.

Too, it often seems like one reason some guys are so into it is that
they see it as an aspect of female sexuality that reminds them of their
own sexuality. While there’s nothing inherently wrong with that, it’s
also not so realistic, nor does it really leave room for female
sexuality and sexual response to be just what it is, rather than a
mimicry of male sexuality or male sexual response. If we really want to
have great sex with partners, our focus has to be on what their
sexuality is authentically and really like, not just the ways it
entertains us or reminds us of our own.

Female ejaculation and male ejaculation are really quite different.
The biggest difference is that the reason men ejaculate is because it
is the integral part of how they reproduce. In other words, while we
can all find certain parts of your reproductive function sexual, male
ejaculation is effectively reproductive, not sexual, in the same way
that women ovulating is reproductive rather than sexual. The male
orgasm that often comes before ejaculation (but not always, and men
also can orgasm without ejaculating) is really the sexual part. The
ejaculating is the babymaking part.

Female ejaculation has exactly nada to do with reproduction. It also
can often have nothing to do with orgasm: in fact, for plenty of women
who do ejaculate, ejaculation happens before orgasm. For some who
ejaculate it also does happen with orgasm, but not always or with
anything close to every orgasm.

Zina says,

When I squirt it doesn’t always feel like I think it
should. When I think about having that type of orgasm I think that it
should feel amazing at the time that I squirt… but its not… a
clitoral orgasm feels better! I have had one orgasm from the g-spot
that felt "Oh my God!" Amazing! But I didn’t squirt? What is going on:
is there something wrong?

To reiterate: ejaculating isn’t orgasm. It can sometimes happen with
an orgasm, but it just as commonly happens without or before orgasm,
too. It has its own sensation, to be sure, but it’s separate from
orgasm, and there’s no one right way for ejaculating to feel. And women
who ejaculate will not always do so, or do so every time even from a
kind of stimulus that sometimes results in ejaculation.

So, what is it, when does it usually happen for for whom?

This is one of those areas — like many when it comes to women’s
sexuality, alas — where the research is still ongoing, and where we
can’t draw too many conclusions just yet: there remain some
disagreements between researchers and the research done so far has been
seriously tiny. Some people will posit that female ejaculation is just
urinating. We know enough to know that’s probably not true, or at least
not always or entirely true. While it appears that female ejaculation
is a function of your paraurethral glands (like the Skene’s glands)
which comes through the urethra — the same place we urinate — and the
fluid is often a lot like urine, enough research has been done which
finds otherwise or stands in conflict to that so we can pretty safely
say it isn’t urine, even though it’s possible some elements of urine
are in the mix, or that sometimes, women ejaculating are actually
urinating. Some folks call those paraurethral glands "the female
prostate." Even if we someday have it proven that it is, in fact urine,
that should only be so meaningful: if the women urinating are enjoying
it, okay with it and it feels good, from a standpoint of sexuality and
sexual pleasure, that discovery would not rock the planet.

For the most part, women who ejaculate will due so due to extensive
and targeted G-spot stimulus, internal and external clitoral stimulus,
or — and most commonly — a combination of the two. The G-spot
(something also still often disputed by some researchers) is an area of
the vagina located not far from the opening, inside the vaginal canal
on the anterior wall: the side of it towards your belly, not your back.
For many women, the best stimulus of that area usually will happen with
toys or fingers, but some women, with some partners, find a penis can
provide that stimulation as well. Not all women enjoy G-spot
stimulation or like it all the time, and some even dislike it (same
goes with some women and clitoral stimulus), so your mileage may vary.
Some women also find pressure just around the vaginal opening gets them
there, while for others, pressure on the mons is part of the deal.

When you’re feeling very highly aroused during those kinds of sexual
stimulation, and/or feeling close to orgasm or having one, if you relax
and bear down the way we all do when we’re pushing urine out, that’s
generally how ejaculation happens if it’s going to. Sometimes, it’ll
happen without doing that at all, but usually, that’s how it goes. If
you have a full bladder (which you shouldn’t: just as far as comfort
and avoiding UTIs, you always want to urinate before any sex), it is
possible to urinate when doing this, so in terms of your own comfort
level with your body fluids, that’s something to bear in mind. Too,
like I said, not all women are comfortable with this, and because it
can sometimes be a good deal of fluid, that’s something to bear in mind
when it comes to where you’re having sex. If you don’t want to sleep in
a big wet spot, you want to put some towels down first.

Now, if your boyfriend had a partner who ejaculated, he probably
knows about some of this. In the case that he didn’t — especially
given how he’s framing it — but saw this in porn, you may also need to
fill him in on the fact that in porn, ejaculation is often faked. When
it is, like most things in pornography, they go over the top, showing a
lot of fluid, rather than the more variant amounts we see in real life
with women who ejaculate. (Porn actresses can easily fake ejaculation
by just drinking a whole lot of water and then urinating.) Not every
woman who ejaculates will have giant gushes of fluid: sometimes it’s
just a little spurt, sometimes so small a partner may not even know it
happened. Some women who ejaculate may never have a big "gush," while
others often will.

To simplify this down to its lowest common denominator, what’s
thought to date is that we have a bladder and we have paraurethral
glands, both of which can and often do contain fluids. When we put
pressure on those areas or the areas surrounding them (both due to how
arousal expands things in and around our genitals, and due to actual
pressure put by fingers, hands or anything else during sex), that fluid
sometimes squirts out. It’s no big mystery, really, nor the eighth
wonder of the world: the same thing happens when we squeeze a water
balloon or a sponge.

Why can some woman ejaculate while others cannot? Again, this is
something we don’t yet have a definitive answer for. As of right now,
it seems like a minority of women ejaculate, even though it’s thought
most have that capability. Some sage theories about that discrepancy
are that a) not all women have/get the kind of sexual stimulus they
need to do so, b) not all women feel comfortable doing so or
purposefully hold back when they’re going to because it feels like
they’re going to pee, c) not all women are getting sexually aroused
enough to get there, d) the size of these glands in women vary, so
women with smaller glands may be limited in doing so and/or e) more
women ejaculate than they think, it’s just in smaller amounts that
often go unnoticed.

So, there’s the facts as we know them so far. If you want more
information on female ejaculation, I’d suggest looking up Deborah
Sundahl’s work, including her book, Female Ejaculation and the G-Spot.

But here’s the most important stuff: what you’re doing in bed with
your partner should center around what you both, individually and
uniquely, find exciting and pleasurable, not just on what he had happen
with another partner or finds to be "cool" or a novelty.

If, in the sex the two of you have, you’re having times where you
are very aroused, if — not always, but this is the usual route with
ejaculation — targeted clitoral and g-spot stimulus feels really great
to you and you both want to explore that, and if you are a woman who is
capable of ejaculating, at some point you probably will do so. And if
you want to explore this as much for you as for him, without feeling
you have to do this to impress him or meet his standards, and knowing
ejaculation may or may not happen, then there’s no reason not to do so.
Most women greatly enjoy targeted clitoral stimulation and the majority
will only orgasm when there is clitoral stimulus. Many women also
greatly enjoy targeted G-spot stimulation, and plenty enjoy
ejaculating. I might, however, suggest, you first try exploring this on
your own since it might be tough not to feel under some pressure with a
partner who has built this up so much.

Just know that women don’t have voluntary control when it comes to
ejaculation: in other words, much like orgasm, sometimes it’ll happen
and sometimes it won’t. What you don’t want to do is wind up where
you’re basically just trying to perform for someone else, rather than
focusing on both of your earnest mutual pleasure and care. And whether
or not you not only can ejaculate or enjoy the kinds of sex which can
make that happen for some women is something you have to find out. In
the case that you don’t like those kinds of sex, don’t find them highly
arousing, and/or don’t ejaculate, that shouldn’t be any big whoop,
because what works for YOU — the partner he has — with sex should be
exciting all by itself. If we’re going to have multiple partners in
life, then we’ve got to be down with the understanding that sexuality
differs among people a lot, and what one partner enjoyed or we enjoyed
with them may or may not be something that will go on with another.

I hope you also know that you shouldn’t ever feel you have to
duplicate what a partner’s previous partners have done, or try and
one-up anyone in any way. Again, when we have multiple partnerships in
life, our sexual experiences with partners will tend to vary: not only
is that not a bad thing, it should be a good thing. We should enjoy
that variety if we’re seeking it out. If we don’t dig, accept and
celebrate variety, then obviously it might not make a lot of sense for
us to take more than one partner. If it turns out you don’t like this
stuff or don’t ejaculate (or find you do alone with masturbation, but
not with him), what YOUR sexuality and sexual response is like should
be just as cool and exciting as what someone’s else’s was, and your
partner should be demonstrating that to you in your sex life, okay?
Just because something about his ex’s sexuality was super-cool to him
doesn’t mean parts of yours aren’t as well or can’t be unless they
resemble hers. His efforts with you sexually should be about exploring
and finding out what’s uniquely cool and amazing about you and the two
of you.

Jennifer asks,

I’ve been sexually active for god knows how long now,
but I’d never been eaten out. The other day I finally let my boyfriend
eat me out and I ended up squirting. I was SO embarrassed. He totally
flipped and ended up spitting at me. I’ve finally forgiven him and he’s
willing to do it again, but I’m scared the same thing is going to
happen. Is there anything I could do to control my squirting? Thanks!

Jennifer: before I say anything else, let me say that I’m really
sorry your boyfriend reacted that way. Certainly, ejaculation can be a
surprise, and when we do know we can do that, it’s something we want to
fill partners in on in advance, when we’re able. But that’s just to
prepare them: even without knowing in advance, no partner should be spitting
at you for ANY reason. That’s abusive behavior, and I’d take a look at
your relationship as a whole to assure that really was a
one-time-odd-reaction, rather than something indicative of a developing
pattern of abuse. If you’re still feeling scared, or like it’s up to
you to control your normal sexual responses to avoid that kind of
treatment, I’d implore you to consider it’s more reasonable to avoid
that kind of response by avoiding a person who responds that way.

That said, I hope you know this is nothing you need to feel ashamed
of or embarrassed about, no more than a guy should feel that way the
first time he ejaculates, alone or with a partner.

As I mentioned further up on this page, in general, ejaculating is
not always something women can voluntarily control. If you don’t like
how it feels, you can try not bearing down with sexual pleasure or
orgasm, or "holding it," physically the same way you hold urine when
you have to pee but can’t. But that may or many not always work, and
may also result in you inadvertently holding back with your pleasure or
orgasm, too. So, my best suggestion is to just make sure you’re only
choosing sexual partners okay with ejaculation as a possible response,
and that you’re only having sex when you, too, are comfortable with
that as a possibility with someone.

Here are some links — including one to a map of your own anatomy
for any terms I used in here that weren’t familiar to you — for you
and yours to grow on:

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Follow Heather Corinna on Twitter: @Scarleteen

To schedule an interview with Heather Corinna please contact Communications Director Rachel Perrone at rachel@rhrealitycheck.org.

  • http://www.dildodildo.ca/blog/blog.html invalid-0

    Jennifer – sorry the hear your bf reacted like he did, hope you’ve managed to sort it out. If not I agree best to have a partner who is ok and mature about female ejaculation.

    Reminded me of my friend who like yourself sometimes ejaculated. Her boyfriend started calling her ‘Waterfall’ behind her back, told all his friends and even tried to talk her into threesomes so others could experience it too. Needless to say the relationship didn’t last and my friend who was already embarrassed took a long time before dating again.

    As Heather says in point 2 – It is not a circus trick.

    So if your partner ejaculates, show her some respect, you’ll gain some respect and appreciation back and then you can both go forward together.

  • invalid-0

    Decent article in terms of information, but unfortunately it’s laced with typical pretentious and disingenuous that a pseudo-therapist (if if they are supposedly professional) cam sometime emit.

    “Jennifer: before I say anything else, let me say that I’m really sorry your boyfriend reacted that way. Certainly, ejaculation can be a surprise, and when we do know we can do that, it’s something we want to fill partners in on in advance, when we’re able. But that’s just to prepare them: even without knowing in advance, no partner should be spitting at you for ANY reason. That’s abusive behavior, and I’d take a look at your relationship as a whole to assure that really was a one-time-odd-reaction, rather than something indicative of a developing pattern of abuse. ”

    How the scenario played out is very clear. It was a surprise and the boyfriend didn’t “spit” in an abusive way. In fact, the writer even says they cleared it up and are going to do it again. Even using the term “abuse” much less suggesting it is pop-psychology at it’s worst and in the blue collar world of those who don’t consider themselves intellectuals, it’s just plain bad advice.

    Shame on you for that diatribe and you own her and her boyfriend sincere apologies – noone will hold their breath.

  • heather-corinna

    For the record, I grew up blue collar, and likely live more blue collar still than many readers here and many of the people whom I counsel.  I work three jobs to get by and have been a renter all my life.  Blue-collar folks can both be articulate and acknowledge abuse.  We also can be intellectual.

     

    I am not sure I know how getting angry and spitting at someone in a vulnerable position is not abusive, and have a hard time knowing anyone who works in or around interpersonal relationships not suggesting that behaviour is an abuse.  And the writer did not voice that they cleared anything up, but that she has forgiven the behaviour, yet still clearly is feeling unsafe enough to voice feeling fearful if her body responds sexually again: she is asking how to control her body, after all. That does not bode well, nor does it tend to suggest she is feeling very confident in his controling his behavior.

     

    Given I responded that I would suggest she consider the relationship in a broader context to address the behaviour, I feel that I clearly made room for the possibility that this WAS one-time, so I don’t feel like your anger with me is justified here, nor that any apology is owed to anyone.  Too, do know that if someone who has asked for advice does feel I am far off the mark, they generally inform me of that themselves without reservation.

  • marysia

    Heather, I agree, it was not off the mark for you to ponder the question of abuse.

     

    Sometimes men’s prejudices against women (as with any form of prejudice) can be more unconscious and subtle than the behaviors most of us would agree are misogynist abuse.

    Even men who are otherwise equality-minded or considerate have such prejudices sometimes. (The same way progressive whitefolks can drop–however unconsciously or unintentionally–condescending remarks to black people. Or progressive able bodied people can drop similar remarks to disabled persons.)

     

    Sometimes men have feelings of entitlement to pressure women to "perform" sexually and even persuade themselves that this is for a greater good, like the women’s own sexual liberation.  But women sense what it is off, the men’s lack of empathy, the desire to control, and hence their feelings of discomfort and hesitation.

     

    This kind of thing goes on all the time.  Sometimes, fortunately, couples work through this constructively, sometimes the woman is left in a place of increasing insecurity and danger. 

    So a counselor has every right to raise the issue of what is going on.

     

     

     

     

    Nonviolent Choice Directory, http://www.nonviolentchoice.blogspot.com

  • invalid-0

    What still amazes me is that female ejaculation is still not given a mention in sex education (UK).

    My own writings on the subject

    – Warning: adult content.