• invalid-0

    I think that what Ronnie needs to address is his internal issues that are very clearly unresolved. Get some self confidence and self esteem! Your girlfriend has always “proved” that she loves you? What the heck? She shouldn’t have to “prove” it. How does one go about proving that they love somebody anyways? I can understand demonstrating that you love somebody, but proving it?

    Look, as tough as it is, you need to accept that she’s either cheating on you with her ex, or she’s not. Most likely, she’s not. Set boundaries for acceptable behavior in your relationship. If she violates those boundaries, it’s time for you get out and find yourself somebody new. Don’t even tell me that she’s the “only” one for you or that there’s nobody else. Every person on the face of the earth is replaceable as far as relationships are concerned. Go to the bookstore, search online, do whatever, but the complete lack of self esteem that oozes from the way that you asked the question is disturbing.

  • invalid-0

    I remember reading that one of the characteristics of a matriarchy is exactly this: women have multiple partners. I can see that a woman in a matriarchy would protest a lot if the man she was about to move towards as her next partner saw her as ‘used’, likely to move on again to sample new experiences as she had done before: it would after all limit the freedom of her lifestyle. In the days when people were monogamous and – monoandrous? – a person’s husband or wife must have seemed like a priest or priestess who alone could open the experiences of lovemaking, a unique portal to bliss. But now, these priests and priestesses are two a penny and you can always go back to the supermarket and try another one – nah! He’s no good, throw him back! Heck! They’re all as bad as each other and it’s getting more boring with each one! No wonder people look duller and more moribund with each passing year. No wonder women get cross if men won’t pretend they’re virgins when they’re not: virginity and then a single partner for life is the experience they will never be able to have… and it turns out to be the one experience they would give anything for.

  • invalid-0

    Although what you’re writing is very balanced on your opinions of male and female equality there’s a slight problem with what you’re saying. Men and Women are very different when it comes to love and sex, a man can have sex with just about any woman and not be in love with her, as he can separate the feelings of lust and love as the male brain fires up one part at a time to a great intensity. However a woman will not generally have sex with a man without being in love with them, as the female brain fires more than one part up at once, allowing them to be better and multitasking and also making it more difficult for them to tell left from right. I’m saying that only generally and men and women are raging pots of hormones just waiting to boil over so there will always be exceptions.

    So Ronnie’s fears are founded somewhere, however I think really he just has trust issues, it’s probably good relationship paranoia. Dude, just take a deep breath and trust your partner, if she does love you she won’t be off with her ex will she?

  • invalid-0

    …it doesn’t mean they’re not out to get him. Yes, I think you’re right about men separating sex and love and women not. If a man actually loves a woman he’d be prepared to die to protect her, but he doesn’t believe that sleeping with a woman involves an implicit promise – he has really to make the promise verbally (e.g. at a marriage ceremony) before he feels he’s committed. Loyalty is very important to most men. If a woman isn’t a virgin he tends to assume she’s fair game for short practice sessions. He’s most unlikely to trust her, because women who aren’t virgins do tend to move on after about six years when the thoughts of their former loves remind them that there’s more out there in the next greener field. With men, all that experimenting and speculating about other women is much more likely to end when they make an actual promise. When civilisation is at its height (I can’t vouch for decadent periods) they take promises very seriously. Even success in banking is founded on that kind of honesty.

  • http://thecurvature invalid-0

    Anonymous: I call bullshit.

    John: There’s also a whole lot of gender-essentialist crap in what you’re saying, showing that you don’t think highly of either women or men. But the fact that you refer to women as “practice” for sex pretty much says it all.

  • invalid-0

    Someone who sees sex and love as two separate things – and that I believe is the majority of men – wouldn’t see anything wrong with practising sex (that comment about left and right brain sounds correct to me). If his partner has already moved on from someone else it does show that she’s abandoned the principle of having only one partner for life. He can still treasure the moment when he meets someone who transfigures everything he knows or sees – I mean falling in love. The proof of love is when he values her life more than his own – in other words he’d die to protect her. You speak from the perspective of someone who sees sex itself as a promise – a promise of permanence. It isn’t. You speak as someone who believes sex is love. It isn’t. But sex and love can become beautifully intertwined. If you want this, I should hold on to your virginity and get the promise first.

  • invalid-0

    John, you sound like you are into that “new chivalry” movement. You might attract some women on the religious right with those arguments, but with feminists, you are nothing but laughable.

    You even tell Cara she “speak[s] from the perspective of someone who sees sex itself as a promise – a promise of permanence. It isn’t. You speak as someone who believes sex is love. It isn’t. But sex and love can become beautifully intertwined. If you want this, I should hold on to your virginity and get the promise first.”

    Other than Cara being – evidently – female, you have absolutely no foundation for assuming any of those attitudes you attribute to her are her actual beliefs.

    Honey, there is no truth to all that BS about sex/love being totally intertwined in women, but not in men – until they commit in marriage. Bwahahahaha. Why do you think men wander after the six or seven years of marriage? Why should it be different between men and women?

    The genie is long out of the bottle, and I don’t think (hope not, anyway) that all the religious right’s wackos can put it back. (Not to mention the misogynists amply represented here in the comments.)

    Heather is right on the money. The guy who asked the question is lucky the woman will give him the time of day. If he keeps it up, he will lose her, and NOT because she was “damaged” and went on with her “broken” sexuality to another dude.

    BF sounds controlling and possessive, and that is a bad omen for a relationship. Abusive men come from that mold.

  • invalid-0

    Cara was very indignant that I could even speak of someone ‘practising’ sex. That means she thinks that sex is in itself sacred and should never be thought of in that way. Now here I am unashamedly gender-essentialist, because my observation is that women tend to think that way and men do not. And why shouldn’t we do what humans do best, sift and sort, classify and see trends? Prejudice comes from under-discrimination, not putting people in ENOUGH categories. It’s no use trying to suppress our natural tendency to generalise: it’s one of our best abilities. If female babies are exposed to androgens in the uterus they are inclined to like screwdrivers and hammers and things like that when they grow up. That’s hormones-in-the-womb essentialist.

  • invalid-0

    Oh yes, ‘controlling and possessive’! The language of the divorce courts! Poor man, surely it’s a bit early for that? And why do men also wander off after six or seven years? I’d say that’s a real sign of decadence: if people treat their promises as never made, that is social decay on a molecular level. Integrity means ‘holding together as a person’, being the same person today as the one who made the promise yesterday. If you treat promises as trivial then you don’t really exist as an entity: you are a puff of meaningless vapour, a cloud.

    So mock away, Phat Khat! What I say is true.

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